Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Are you there, God? It's me, Amy.

...And I'm back. I know, I know, I have gone completely MIA over the past month. I apologize. I didnt even write about my 60th day of Bikram! Well, I promise I will update you on Bikram and my life in general... just not right now. I have something else I am just itching to write about that I must share first.
I was raised Catholic. My mom went to Catholic school and was raised in a very strict Catholic home as well, so during my childhood when we lived with my grandparents (mom's side), we were ushered into this Catholic lifestyle. I remember going to church every week and eating cheerios, going to CCD every Wednesday, and even this summer bible school thing where they had puppet shows and we did the "I dont know why she swallowed the fly" song and dance. We would say our prayers before bed every night. We had crosses around the house and around my neck. This Catholic upbringing was wonderful- it taught me structure, morals, a basic sense of good vs evil, and a sense of something more "out there." My mother never forced religion on us- she always let us choose. I never felt pressure to attend church or church events, to believe, or to pursue religion as I grew older. She always gave us options.

When we moved to Vermont, we found the local Catholic church to be somewhat... crooked. They had a strong brainwash mentality, and we were not comfortable with that. We tried going to a Congregational church for a while, and that was nice, but I personally never felt at home there. I was about 16 at this point and was beginning to form opinions that were contradictory to the strict Catholic way of life. I thank my mom for trusting me to make my own choices in life and believing what I felt was right. I thank her for my spiritual foundation, and the option to think for myself.

Over the years, I have built a faith that works for me. I am spiritual, and I do believe in some higher power, but I have strayed further and further from my Catholic roots and organized religion as a whole. I have yet to find an organized community that allows free thinking and individualized belief systems. Every church I have been to is so cookie cutter, so strict, so forceful, and I find that extremely unappealing. It frightens me when certain organizations make it their goal to recruit and convert as many people as they can. I am deeply disturbed by those who go out of their way to force their opinions upon others.

Nonetheless, I believe. I am very spiritual. I believe in evolution. I believe in reincarnation. I believe in Karma. I believe, as I have said time and time again, that the universe will provide. I believe in a higher being, a being that guides our souls through life and offers signs. I pray- not to anyone in particular- but I still pray. I ask for guidance, I offer thanks, I ask for someone to look over those that I love. I believe in peace and happiness for all. I believe in taking care of the earth and treating it with respect. I believe my body is my temple. I believe in love. I believe in mediation and discipline. I believe.

Lately, I have been faced with many challenges and choices in my life. I have done my best to rationally make the best decisions based on the pros and cons of each different potential scenario. However, there is only so much I can rationalize. I have to rely on faith and some higher power to lead me on the path I am meant to follow. I have taken control and not gone too blindly into the future, but at the same time, I have leaned on faith quite a bit to guide me through these hard decisions.

I love my spirituality and faith. I have been given the freedom to explore the world and my options and choose a path that makes me feel full and complete. I have been able to cultivate my spirituality through Bikram yoga, and it has confirmed my devotion to the universe, the earth, my body, and my spirit.