I am 27. Yes, I have my MA, but I had really hoped to have my PhD by this time... I am paralyzed in the application process and I am so disappointed in myself that I cant even comprehend actually applying at this point. It is pathetic. I am working a job that pays me terribly so I can get "more experience" to get me into this fairy tale, imaginary PhD program that I don't even know if I can muscle up the courage to apply to. I am broke beyond belief- it is all I can do to keep a roof over my head and my bills paid and have a little left over for basic food and transportation. I have no savings, no "fun" money set aside, no safety net in case something bad were to happen. I have passions (bikram, traveling, etc.) that I must eliminate from my life because I cant afford them. Seriously broke. Frighteningly broke. I am in a relationship that is going.... somewhere... not sure where. I chasing some wild dream that seems to vanish with every passing day.
I look around at people my age and I wonder what is wrong with me and why I don't have what others have. I know so many people that are a year or 2 or even 3 younger than me and they seem to have it all: the career, the money, the new car, the funds to travel and have fun, the husband... and I wonder where I went wrong. Granted, it is easy for those who are lucky enough (not blessed, just straight lucky) to be born into money. It makes me mad, and I dont like feeling that way. Yea, good for you, enjoy your silver spoon. Others just seem to have it all together and have it all figured out- everything falling into place. I dont.
Yes, I know I have plenty to be thankful for. I am healthy. I have a beautiful family that loves me unconditionally. I have some amazing friends (but sometimes I get so jealous of THEM that some of this angst and frustration can be wrongfully and gently aimed in their direction) that I wouldn't trade for the world. I DO have a job, which I am thankful for. I have lots of things to be happy about. Dont get me wrong, I am a lucky girl, and I know it.
I am 27 years old. I feel like I am fighting being a grown up so much that I am wasting time and bring all of this frustration upon myself.
Sometimes I just wonder why I seem to be on the fast track to nowhere....
