I was torn. The studio here is nearly 30 min from my house, and much more expensive than I can honestly afford. Jumping back on the Bikram wagon would be a huge commitment. So I let it slide for the first 4 weeks I was here. I was hoping I could find a substitute or something to fill the void. But after a while, it became overwhelmingly apparent that nothing could- life without Bikram was awful. I felt tired, bloated, distracted, lost, and down right miserable. My hips began aching again and I was once again having trouble with stairs and sitting for a long time. My body and mind were calling out to me and I had to listen. So I pulled myself up by my boot strings and hit the studio.
I was so nervous. I dont know why. I had about an hour to kill before my first session and I spent it pacing and worrying. Like I said- I dont know why! I got there early (you know me, early is late, and when nerves get involved, I will likely be there an hour early). The studio is gorgeous, and the people I encountered were very nice. Nonetheless, I was a nervous wreck. I got myself ready, picked a spot in the back of the room, and tried to calm myself before class started. I just kept saying to myself, "never too late, never too old, never too bad, never too sick... to start from the scratch once again." I said it over and over. It helped.
Class began. The teacher was a visiting instructor from Brooklyn, and I loved her style immediately. She was very supportive, and most of all, very fun. The room was hot- hotter than I remember. But compared to this awful, miserable Memphis air, it was bearable. Pranyama invigorated me and got me excited for class. That excitement was soon smashed by half moon. I think- no, I KNOW- I did too much too quickly. After the first backward bend, I knew I had let myself get too freaked out. I started getting light-headed, dizzy, and nauseous. My hips were killing me. By Eagle, I was unable to stand. I had to sit down. I think, honestly, that I simply forgot to breath. Not that I was breathing wrong, but I was simply NOT breathing... at all! I think I was trying so hard to get right back on the saddle that I forgot it had been almost 2 months since I had been to a class. Duh, Amy. So I sat. I felt awful- not just physically, but also that I had pushed myself too hard and was feeling bad for having taken such a huge step backwards in my practice. I was so tempted to throw a little pity party for myself, but I just kept repeating Bikram's words... "never too late... to start from scratch again." And starting from scratch is exactly how it felt.
Bikram's words got me through that class. I was able to bring myself to a comfortable place- knowing I would not be capable of things I had once been able to do towards the end of my 60 day challenge. I sat out often, had to skip several postures, and drank a bit more water than usual. But I stayed. I completed the class, and completed it with a smile. On my drive home, I was so proud of myself and I felt the emptiness in my soul begin to refill. I realized, then more than ever, that Bikram is not something that I do from time to time if I feel up to it. It is a part of my life. It is something I will, and must, always make time for. It isnt about money. It cant be. Without out, I can tell something is missing, both physically and mentally. I need Bikram in my life.
I have been to 2 classes since this agonizing return. Saturday was better, and yesterday was great. I still have to sit out a bit and take it easy as my body acclimates, just as I had to when I began in April. But I am happy. And I cant wait to get to class again!
I brought a friend of mine to class on Sunday. I met her through work and I have really enjoyed getting to know her. I knew right off the bat that she would be someone that would enjoy Bikram and go into it with an open mind. She loved it, and I couldnt be more excited! I love sharing my experience and this practice with others!
So, Bikram, you win. You are a part of my life forever, now. I may be poor, and I may have to drive 30 min out of my way, but you are here to stay. And I couldnt be happier.
