Since I can't run, I have been getting my running "fix" by reading endless running blogs. I am cruising through the top running blogs of 2011, and have found some really amazing reads.
The 2 things I noticed right off the bat (and that made me feel a little bit better about my current situation) are:
1) Lots of people get injured, even when doing everything right. Bones break. Tendons fail. Knees protest. I still strongly believe that our bodies aren't made to consistently run such incredibly long distances. There are people out there that can run 10 marathons a year and be perfectly healthy- those people are what I call "freaks." (Haha, just kidding. But, no, really, you are...) But the rest of us humans need to suffer the consequences of the insanity we subject our bodies to. I need to be patient.
2) Everyone has a bad race from time to time- not every race can be a PR or an amazing, happy experience. Disappointment is part of the game. Again, even if you do everything right, you are bound to have a race that you are ashamed to tell anyone about. But, you can't lose hope; while there are poor races that bring you down, there are also those races that make you feel like such an amazing bad ass, like you are an actual super hero and deserve a cape.
...I know I am not the only one in the world that is hurt and facing a bad race, but hearing the stories of fellow runners that have been in my shoes definitely helps.
I mentioned earlier that I am having a really hard time putting my feelings into words. And I still am. But, reading the experiences of others has helped...
I found a phrase (on this blog, discussing a bad race) that pretty much hits the nail on the head about how I have been feeling lately: "soul-crushing." (Man, am I a drama queen or what? People are dying of hunger, fighting cancer, and facing horrible struggles, and here I am bitching that I cant run 26 miles? Hello, selfish.)
Also, another blogger had an entry about a disappointing race, and this portion of her entry really made me realize a huge part of my sadness about the upcoming marathon: "... I think a huge part of it was that I felt like I was failing in front of a friend. If I go out and have a bad race when I'm running by myself, no one else knows. But in this race, I felt like my crappy failure of a run was on display for my friend to see, and failing in front of a crowd sucks so much more than failing when no one is watching."
Wow. Yes. So true.
Ok, here goes nothin'. I will be honest and admit 2 feelings I have had recently:
1) I am sad that I will be running the race alone. Don't get me wrong, I love a nice solo run more than anything in the world. But, when you train for a race with a group and go into training thinking you will be side-by-side with a friend mile after ungodly mile of the race, it is a bit heartbreaking to face the fact that you will, indeed, be left alone in the dust. I am proud of my friends for doing so well with their training, and I wish the best for them in this race, don't get me wrong! But... I am scared to run alone.
2) I feel like a failure, and I don't like that feeling being on display for those watching. I know my friends love me unconditionally, whether I run this race or not. But, nonetheless, failing while in the spotlight is really, really hard. Is it embarrassment that I am feeling? Maybe. I am so excited to have Maureen and Kevin watching- having them there will keep me going. But, at the same time, the thought of them seeing me fail brings tears to my eyes. I feel like a failure- I can't help it. No matter what anyone says, I can't shake this feeling.
Well, hello catharsis- there you are! Where have you been hiding?
