Today was beautiful.
I woke up nice and early and went to the 8:30 session. I felt amazing. I did very well and felt happy with my effort and control. My focus wandered a bit, but for the most part I was able to direct my mind towards my postures. I left feeling amazing, happy, healthy, and proud.
I spent some time with Brandon, which I greatly miss these days. I ate some lunch. I took a nap. I went to Target.
3:00 rolled around and it was time to head back for another class. I was surprisingly excited to get back into the 108 degree, 50% humidity room. I was excited to see where I could push myself to this time. And I was excited to continue to feel my soul so full and proud. This class, once again, brought me tremendous joy. I tried so hard, and I am beginning to see slight progress. That is all I can ask for. I am finally coming to terms with the fact that my body will only do what it is capable of, and change takes time. I will not see results over night. I may not even see outstanding results after the full 30 days. But what I will see is a change within me. While my physical appearance and abilities may only improve slightly, my heart and soul are changing. I was feeling so empty before I began this challenge- that was part of the reason I even decided to embark on this adventure. I didn’t know what was missing, but I knew something was out of place. Today, I began to feel that emptiness subside. I began to feel a tremendous inner peace. It was truly beautiful. It happened during camel (pictured above). All of a sudden, this overwhelming sense of pride and fulfillment washed over my body like a warm breeze (and to say that when you are in a room this hot must truly be something intense and magical). This is the feeling I have been searching for. I want to hold on to it and never let it go.
After class, I enjoyed a nice ride home, during which I talked on the phone with my Grandma. We talked about the weather, plants, and oatmeal. Such simple pleasures in life. I showered, and gathered my things to head out to the coffee shop- I wanted to make the most of the beautiful sunshine and my full spirit. The park was full of happy families, laughing children, proud fathers with their grills raging hot, couples falling in love, and a man in a hammock. My, my, my, what a beautiful world. (Name that song!)
So here I sit, at the Frothy Monkey, eating a peanut butter cookie, enjoying the slight sparkle of sweat on my forehead from the walk over, and feeling… full. Not the kind of full you feel after a Thanksgiving dinner with your family (and yes, vegetarians still get that oh-my-god-I-will-never-eat-again full feeling at Thanksgiving, too). The kind of full feeling that hits you at the most random times. When you hear a song lyric that says what you’ve been trying to put into words for weeks. When you see the first daffodil bloom in spring. When you go home to visit your family and you wake up to the smell of mom cooking. When you open a new book, get that first whiff of new-book-smell, and you know it is going to be an instant favorite. THAT is the kind of fullness I am talking about. That is what I was hoping to gain from Bikram. I was flustered that it took so long, and I think that is where some of my negativity the past few days has come from. But I have found it. I know it won’t stick around all the time. I know it will come and go. But I also know it is there. And I have found it. And I will remember this feeling forever.
