Ya know, it's interesting- it is so easy to ruminate on negative things, while sweeping positive things under the table and ignoring them. Yesterday, just before class, I was unexpectedly reminded of an epic failure in my life (this reminder came from none other than an advertisement in a bathroom stall, how nice). It sent me into a miserable downward spiral of analyzing my failures and feeling like a complete mishap and disappointment, thinking of what a letdown my life has been over the past 2 years. I got into a real funk. I went into class with a twisted mindset- "Oh yea? Well, I completely failed at that, but look what I can do! I can do Bikram! Ha! Take that! Jerks!" I went through class like I had something to prove; like I needed something to show redeem myself. I pushed myself really hard, which in theory would be good, but it was all stemming from negative energy, a 'look what I can do' energy. I dont like to be motivated by negative energy. I dont like to feel determined as a means of proving myself. It was all I could think about. With about 20 minutes left in class, I felt defeated. But then something clicked, and I forced myself to begin listing positive accomplishments in my life. With every breath I took, I would inhale a positive thought and exhale a negative thought. Before I knew it, I was laughing inside at some of the positive thoughts that came to mind: I have stellar friends. My cat is adorable and a complete mess. I have the most beautiful, perfect niece in the world. I am really good at organizing. I have nice ankles. I was blessed in a fairy glenn in Scotland. I recycle. The list went on and on and on and on.... and on. I have so many things to be proud of. I have accomplished some truly beautiful things in my life. Yea, there have been failures. And yes, these failures have changed the course of my life... but... perhaps for the best? If I hadnt have come to Nashville and had all of this insanity, maybe I wouldnt have met Sandra and practiced Bikram at her studio. I began changing my 'look what I can do- ha!' thoughts into 'look, I CAN do this!' The universe will provide, and the world unfolds itself in very strange ways. So after the last 20 minutes of class and many many positive thoughts flooding my mind and body and soul, I was overwhelmed with emotion. In our last restorative savasana, I cried. I have so much to be thankful for. And while these failures have been tremendous turning points in my life, perhaps the turned me in the right direction...
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. [R.W.E.]
Today is the last day. 30 days. What a wild trip this has been...
