Today was the first day since I have started this challenge that I straight up did not feel like being there. I was feeling so off- mentally and physically. My body was feeling very strange... I dont know how to explain it... something just wasnt right. Mentally, I was in another place. I am planning to leave for NC/SC straight from class on Thursday (Day 60) and I have so much to do before we head out that my mind was racing with what I have to do, what to pack, what to remember, and I was just feeling really stressed out. No matter how much I tried to focus and push any unwanted thoughts out of my mind, they would always come storming back in and demand to be analyzed. I just... didnt want to be there. It was a weird feeling, honestly, because I have not experienced this before. No matter how tired, cranky, or yucky I have felt in the past, I always want to go to yoga. And today.... I just... didnt.
Despite my awful "I dont wanna be here" feeling, I stuck it out. The first part of class was so blah... I had no desire to try and push myself. However, once I muscled through the balancing series, I actually began to feel a bit better. I did well on the spine strengthening series (producing yet another killer locust, ow ow!) and made it to the end of class with 100% effort and discipline. I dont know why the 2nd half of class was so much better, but I just felt much more focused and willing to surrender my mind to the yoga.
I dont like the feeling of not wanting to be there. I know it happens to everyone- Sandra even made a comment (of course she did, she always knows when I need that little snippet of motivation to make it through) about "even on your 100th day, you may feel like you are back at the beginning and not want to try, but just push through- you can do it." I know this feeling will pass, I just hope it does quickly. I want my last day to be the best yet- and it can be!
It is days like today that actually make me feel stronger and better about myself- when my determination and focus and desire to practice are at an all-time low and I still manage to complete a class, I know I am capable. I know I can make it through anything Bikram throws at me.
