Let's be honest

Ok, confession time. Yesterdays post was a feeble attempt at forcing positivity and a glass-half-full outlook on myself about this whole situation. I tried to be Pollyanna, but failed miserably. Truth is, I am really upset. I dont want to blow up emotions all over the place here- maybe because I worry nobody will understand, or maybe because I dont want to show my weakness. Either way, I know I need a good slap in the face to drag me out of my self loathing pity party I have been throwing for the past month.


After I posted that entry yesterday, I was brought to tears by a dooce entry. Again, I swear this woman is living my life. Please, read what she says, because she literally took the words out of my brain and phrased them perfectly. Well, minus the whole miscarriage bit. When I see people running, I get angry. When I get on Facebook and see running posts by others, I get jealous and bitter. When I see my running shoes, I feel nothing but rage. Then I get a medical bill for $400, but have nothing to show for it. It's awful feeling this way. And I feel even worse for getting so wrapped up in these emotions. People are starving to death. People have terminal illnesses. People have struggles I cant even fathom. And here I am, bitching and moaning that I cant run 26.2 miles. How selfish is that?!


I know I will be ok. And I know there will be other races. But this race holds so much meaning to me. It was the run that, 1 year ago, changed my life. It saved me from my path to destruction. I was partying too much, I was seeking comfort in the wrong places, I was depressed, and I was on a road to nowhere. I had no motivation, no care, and no drive. Then 1 day, everything changed. I never thought running would be the thing that saved me. I always thought it would be some divine intervention, some existential moment, some deep meditation during yoga, something big and earth shattering. But no. It was putting on my shoes and setting out on a solo journey that would ultimately change my life. I hated running. Now, I cant imagine life without it. And I cant imagine not running this marathon. And it hurts.


So there, the truth. I feel I owe it to you, my faithful readers. I am going to do my best to stick with the plan I laid (layed? lie? I hate that word.) out and be positive. But I also want to tell you that I am human, and I am allowed to be pissed off and miserable for a while. 


Once again, lets go back to where this whole journey started: 

"It's never too late to start from scratch again."

Let's make a plan

If you know me at all, you know I am a planner. So, while I have taken several days to mourn the lost dream of kicking @$$ at this marathon, it is now time to make a new plan of attack... because you better believe this wont be the end of my running days!


The advice has been streaming in, and I thank each and every one of you for your care and concern. I think I have pieced together a plan of action...

1) No running for the next 5 weeks. None at all. No impact, no pounding, no "oh maybe I will just go for a short little 6-miler today..." No. Nada.
2) I am going to be the cross-training DIVA for the next 5 weeks. Spin, Bikram, swimming, weights, stretching, etc. I am going to work out 6 days a week, stay in shape, work on my entire body, and take time to heal. 
3) Live my life as if I were still in 100% marathon training mode. Eat well, get rest, and focus on my overall well-being.
4) Come race day.... YES, I will participate in the marathon. NO, I will not wimp out and just do the 1/2 marathon. YES, I will cross the finish line, get the medal, and cry my eyes out when I see all of the St Jude children cheering. NO, I will not run the entire race. YES, I will run, but only within my comfort zone...
-Slow, steady pace.
-Walk through all water stops.
5) It is ok if I finish in 5 hours, or 6, or even 7. It is ok. I will just keep telling myself... it is ok.
6) I will not do anything to risk seriously injuring myself and dragging this frustration and pain out any longer. I promise, I will take care of myself and listen to my body. Even though all I want to do is tell my ankles to STFU, I will not.
7) Once I am healed, and not until then, I will pick another marathon to run. If I pick one now, I will worry about getting into step with a training program, push myself, and potentially not give myself the adequate time to heal. So, once I am better, THEN I will register for my next marathon.
8) Next time around, I will increase my mileage MUCH slower. 
9) Next time around, I will cross train like it's my job.
10) I will accept the fact that this did not go as planned, I will let myself be sad, but once that is done with, I will pick myself up, be proud, and move on.


I will not give up.

3 happy things

When all else fails, and I am down and out, what can cheer me up?


A little dose of NORA! 

Oh, yea, that and a little 2Pac....





AND, last but not least, TAJH BOYD, SAMMY WATKINS and my #5 CLEMSON TIGERS!!!!

So there ya go- 3 things to help bring me out of this "i-cant-run-the-marathon" funk!

Ankles ruin everything.

After 3 weeks off, 2 short pain-free runs, and enough determination to get me to the moon and back, I was hoping for the best as I try to salvage my last 3 weeks of training before it is time to taper. Ashley and I set out for an easy 13 on the Green Line. (For those of you that are not Memphians, the Green Line is a 7 mile trail across the city.) It is as flat as can be- no hills, no camber. 

I was scared for the run, but I knew Ashley would have my back and keep me in good spirits. The first few miles were fine. The inserts felt fine, my ankles were a tiny bit unhappy, but completely bearable. Around mile 6, they began to act up, but I just slowed it down and focused on form. I also noticed I was getting blisters in my arches from the inserts- my arches are not used to actually touching anything in my shoe, so this new contact caused some rubbing and discomfort. But whatever, I can run through some blister pain. (Though, can you believe it- I have been running for 11 months and this is my FIRST blister! Go figure.) Well, around mile 10, I hit my limit. The pain was so intense. It was worse than the 1/2 marathon. Shooting, stabbing pain, constant, both ankles, and now spreading to the tendons on the top of my foot and front of my ankle. 

I stopped running.... and started sobbing. 

This was the first time during my training that I have actually felt that I will not be able to do this. That I will not be able to run the marathon. And that broke my heart.

I wont get into all of the reasons WHY I want to run this marathon. It is personal, and frankly, I don't want to bore you. But having to honestly face the fact that I may not be able to finish... well... I cant even begin to explain the feelings....

Ashley let me sob, let me work through my pain and frustration. She was so supportive, and I cannot thank her enough for being by my side. We walked the last 3 miles...

Worst run of my life. 

I feel like I have tried everything: braces, taping, ice, rest, meds, vitamins, shoe inserts... what's left? I dont know what to do. I dont know if I should go back to the doctor and get an MRI. I dont know if I should suck it up and keep running. I dont know if I should just rest, then wing it at the race. I dont know if I should face the fact that this is not going to happen. I just dont know what to do.... 

No running = cranky Amy

3 weeks off of running. Not by choice.


Over the past 10 months, running has become a staple in my life. Eat, sleep, work, run, repeat. Not having this integral part of my daily lifestyle has been wreaking havoc on my mood and body. I am cranky beyond belief. I am tired all the time. I feel bloated and fluffy. I am irritable, moody, and just plain off. It seems to be affecting every other aspect of my life, and I don't like it. Running is something I look forward to- especially my Saturday runs with AJ, MS, and PF. It has done a world of good for me, physically and mentally, and here, even this little bit of time off, and I feel all out of whack. In the words of my now-favorite blogger, dooce, "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad it's not a fracture, but it's just so non-specific and nebulous and maybe it will feel better a week from now, maybe not, excuse my crankiness, I haven't had a serving of endorphins since Sunday." Amen, sister. Amen.


So, enough complaining, lets talk about WHY I havent run in 3 weeks. The ankles. Yes, the ankles. Where did we leave off? Doctor said no stress fractures, right? Hooray! Well, went to PT and they gave me some fancy little stretches to do with TheraBand. Told me to keep icing. Keep stretching my calf muscles. Don't run. I was a good student and skipped home (ok, I didn't skip, that wouldn't help the ankle situation) and did my homework every day like a good little girl. After a full week of daily PT, rest, and ice... IT HURT MORE! WTF!? Now, instead of only hurting during activity, it hurt ALL.THE.TIME. Not cool. A constant shot of lightening shooting from my foot to my calf. Nonstop. Even with ice. Even with enough ibuprofen to sedate an elephant. Even with PT. Even with rest. FINE! EFF IT! IM GONNA RUN ANYWAY! I tried to run 2 miles and failed miserably. So, ANOTHER week off... yes... 3rd week sans running. Talk about a hot, cranky mess...

It's OK mom, I still love you... even if you are a cranky bitch... let me lay on you and help mend your broken ankles...

I went back to Fleet Feet and asked what to do (since visiting them is cheaper than the $300 in medical bills I now have). They suggested SuperFeet inserts. I tried on a few pairs and INSTANTLY felt a difference. It was like someone flipped a switch and the shooting pain was GONE. Angels flew down from the heavens, they played little harps, and I think I even saw a few doves fly by holding olive branches, I don't know. SOLD. Best part is- I take the inserts I think feel best home with me, wear them, and if they don't work, I can exchange (and continue to exchange) them for another fit until we find what works best for my feet. I wanted to hug the sales woman, but I felt that was going a bit too far. 

Fiona approves of the NEON GREEN SuperFeet inserts.

I wore my running shoes with the new, fancy inserts the rest of the day and all of the next day. This would allow them to mold to my feet and get a better fit. Then, Monday evening, I ventured out for another run. 2 miles pain free, yea buddy! And best part- not only did they not hurt during, but they didnt hurt after, or even the next day! Again, cue angels with harps and white doves. But, unfortunately, I felt like I was starting from scratch: I couldn't breathe, I was a cardiovascular mess, and the riverfront hill that I usually make my bitch totally owned me. It's ok, though, right? I will get it back in time, right? RIGHT? I took Tuesday off to spin (yea, that's right, bi-weekly cross training for this girl, booyah!) and then attempted another run yesterday... drum roll please... 5 miles pain free! I literally did a happy dance (similar to the stanky leg, for those of you that have been with my through this journey from the beginning) and squealed with joy. They still hurt a tiny bit here and there, especially when I wear shoes without good arch support to work, but for the most part, I am not a hobbling mess anymore.


Ok ok ok, dont worry, I wont push it. I wont try to jump back in too fast. I am going to try to take it slow. But here it is, 6 miles until the race, and I am kiiiiiiiiiiiinda close to panic mode. I am going to attempt 13 this Saturday... a slow, easy, camber-free 13. I promise, hand on heart, girl scouts honor: If it hurts, I WILL STOP. I promise. Seriously! Why don't you believe me?!

Kind words

I know it has been a while since I last updated, and please look forward to an entry about CHICAGO and about my PROGRESS coming soon-ish, but I just had to post this ASAP. 
As December 3rd draws closer and closer, I am making some last-ditch efforts at fund raising. I have surpassed my goal of $500 (THANK YOU EVERYONE!), but would still like to do my best to keep the funds growing for St. Jude.  
A friend of mine included this message in her donation. It made me cry.

Hello my beautiful friend. You are an amazing human being and i miss you in my life. Do you know this is the first time I have been to your blog. you are such an amazing kind generous person, and I am better just for knowing you! Run hard.

I have wonderful people in my life. Thank you so much...

If you can look pretty when you run, you arent running hard enough...

Snap Shot #1- Look at us all happy and cute. Must be mile 1.

Snap shot #2- unattractive, but not breaking any mirrors. Todd had just zoomed by on his  bike, so I offer a "Yea Buddy!" to thank him for the support as I sip on my water from the last station.

 Snap shot #3- Literally 2 seconds after photo #1, but a complete transformation. I belong in a horror movie. This is epic. There are no words...

 Snap shot #4- OK, looking better. Happy. Smiling. Dont have 927 chins. And I believe the man behind me is looking right at my ass. Hey, I'm OK with that.

 Snap shot #5- Again, pretty happy. So is Paige. Actually enjoying ourselves? Must have been taken early on in the race.

Snap shot #6- I love us.

Snap shot #7- Sweet Jesus, is that really what everyone sees when I cross the finish line?! T-REX ARMS IN FULL EFFECT, BABY! RAAARRRHHHHGGG!!!!!!!

Shelby Farms Greenline Half Marathon

When I signed up for the SFGL1/2, I set a goal of finishing the race in under 2 hours. That would require about a 9 minute mile. I was positive I could do it.

Then I got hurt. Stupid ankle.

I went to the doctor last week. She told me not to run. I spoke with several friends and coworkers that know their fair share about sports medicine. They all told me not to run. The general consensus: Don't run.

So, what did I do?

I ran.

Ok let's just spare the lecture. I knew going into it that running was a poor and stupid decision. But I am stubborn. And my pride is easily bruised. A poor combination. I was trying to convince myself that I would take it easy and just listen to my body. But of course I didn't.

Before the race. What a perfect morning!

Around mile 3, feeling lovely!

The 1st 5 miles were great. I felt fine. Then the pain it. And boy did it hit hard. In both ankles, not just the right. My mind began to race (no pun intended) with what to do from that point forward. I basically had 3 choices:
1) Stop and not finish, listening to my body, and preventing further injury (no way in hell would I go for this).
2) Walk the rest of the race, giving my body a slight break, and hopefully preventing further injury (again, no way in hell I was going to walk 8 miles, no way).
3) Keep running, ignore common sense and logic, and regret it later.

I chose option #3. My rational at the time was pretty convincing, really... "I already hurts. It will hurt no matter what I do. So why not go for the gold, kick ass, and be proud of the effort I put forth?"

So, 8 more miles of agony. And I mean major agony. It was horrible. But I just kept replacing the thoughts of pain with thoughts of crossing the finish line in under 2 hours, and that kept pushing me along for another step, and another step, and another step...

Paige, Ashley and I kept together for a majority of the race. The first few miles were killer- generally between 8-9 minute miles. Right on track for finishing under 2. We were feeling great, but somehow gradually... slowed... down. The fans were few and far between. The cool, breezy fall day turned into a sunny, blazing, shade-free battle. The hills seemed endless. We were in good spirits, and were enjoying the run- but we definitely wanted it to be over.

As I rounded the corner toward the finish line, with about .1 miles to go, I saw the clock. 2:03. I wanted to cry. I didn't do it. I got angry. I sprinted, cursing myself, cursing my stupid ankles, and generally in a horrid mindset. I let myself be mad for about 30 seconds, then let it go.

Official Time: 2:04:11
Average Pace: 9:29

Maureen, Paige, Bruce, LaDell, Me, Ashley

Love my running posse!

Maureen kicked ass, beating the goal she set for herself. Bruce and LaDell of course ran like rockstars. Ashley was amazing. Paige, with this being her 1st 1/2 marathon, did spectacular. I am so proud of everyone. Such a wonderful, supportive, inspiring group. I am so grateful to have these people as a part of my life and training. Congrats, my friends!

Ok so, the ankles...

I went to the orthopedist on Monday. They took X-rays. Poked and pulled and pressed and wiggled my ankles. "Does it hurt here? How about here? What about when I do this?" After an hour, I was relieved to hear it is not a stress fracture in either ankle. Just severe tendonitis. Some tendon that starts mid-calf and connects to the bottom of the arch. I have high arches, so the tendon is strained; with these long distances, it is getting mad at me and hurting. How to fix it? Don't run for 2 weeks. Prescription NSAIDs. Ice. Compression. Physical therapy (have my 1st appt tomorrow morning). If nothing feels better in 2 weeks, they will reassess.

All I want to do is run. It is gorgeous out. I see runners trotting by and I am jealous. I want to feel the sun on my face and the pavement under my feet. This makes me realize how addicted I have gotten to this stupid activity. I need it. It is strange...

Ok fine, 2 weeks, no running. I will obey, Doctor. I promise. I just really hope this problem doesn't persist, because I WILL RUN THIS MARATHON IN DECEMBER. I WILL...