Amy Hit The Atmosphere

If I could make it rain today
And wash away this sunny day down to the gutter
I would
Just to get a change of pace
Things are getting worse, but I feel a lot better
And that's all that really matters to me

Well, Amy hit the atmosphere
Caught herself a rocket ride out of this gutter
And she's never coming back I fear
Anytime it rains she just feels a lot better
And that's all that really matters to me

We've waited so long
For someone to take us back home
It just takes so long
Meanwhile all the days go drifting away
And some of us sink like a stone
Waiting for mothers to come

There has to be a change I'm sure
Today was just a day fading into another
And that can't be what a life is for
And anything she said well she feels a lot better
And that's all that really matters to me

All I really know is I wanna know
And all I really know is I don't wanna know

[Counting Crows]

So what now...?

Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.

Hi, Bikram. My name is Amy.

More to come later, but had to share the picture...

GREEN is for MONEY and MOUNTAINS

Well, my "bikram will overcome all financial issues" mentality was smushed like a bug on a windshield. Rent took a big bite. Then I had to order books for class. I forgot about that. Yikes. That took my bikram money, plus some. Soooooo unfortunately, once again, I am like the kid looking in the window at the pet store. I want it so badly, but it just cant work out right now. So I wait... and wait... and wait. I have applied for a few random part time jobs... some therapy here, babysitting there, really whatever I can get my hands on without overwhelming myself. Just hoping to make ends meet one of these days. Unfortunately nothing is really amounting to anything. I guess I just need to be patient.

Classes started yesterday and I am shocked at how much I missed being a student. (Not talking about the thesis, here. Just being a student.) I love learning, especially about things I am passionate about. I am really looking forward to the semester.

I am heading back to Nashville this weekend to visit a friend that is flying in from Portland. I havent seen her in 6 years. I love that I am able to keep in touch with friends over such distance and time. I am excited to be with a friend. And I am excited to get back to Nashville. I kinda miss it... oddly enough. I guess that is a good thing though- perhaps a sign that I am on my way towards "remember to good, forget the bad." Let's hope so.

Summer is slowly (and I really mean that... ssslllooowwwlllyyyy) turning to fall, and it makes me smile. We still have random days that make even a walk to the mailbox a miserable challenge, but for the most part, the days are becoming more tolerable. I am excited for the fall weather- I think I will enjoy the city much more when I can spend some time outside. I am really missing the outdoors and mountains lately...

Manchester, VT

Asheville, NC

"You are stronger than you think you are."

...A thought shared by a Bikram teacher this week- it keeps resonating in my mind. So simple and so obvious, but sometimes saying it out loud really hits home. Just wanted to share!

I only managed to make it to 2 Bikram classes since my last post. But they were lovely. I really enjoy this studio. There is a lot of structure and it is very disciplined. I like that. It helps me in my struggle with discipline within my practice. I have had exposure to several different teachers, all of which I enjoyed. Katie was a visiting teacher from NYC and I dug her funky style and yankee accent. Connie (who had been a visiting instructor in Nashille) is strict yet supportive, and always smiling. Jo showed the fluffy loving earth mother side, and worked to help us expand our Bikram principals to our real lives. Jeff (I think that was his name, I cant remember...) was by the book and spot on with his instruction, yet somehow managed to bring an unspoken personal touch to the session. I have enjoyed having different teachers, and also not knowing who will be teaching at any given time. I like the element of surprise. And I really enjoy experiencing all of their different styles.

I am still struggling to get back into the practice. I am taking my time and remaining patient with myself. If there was one thing I am trying to remind myself from my 60 day challenge, it is that this practice takes time. Weeks, months, years. Something I have noticed about myself that is different from my previous practice is that my jealousy of the ability of others has turned into down right awe. There are several women that have a beautiful style and an immaculate practice, and I am amazed with their abilities. I am not comparing myself as I used to. I hope this change in my perspective is not temporary!

I hope to make it to a class this weekend, but I may have to wait until I get paid next week. Being a slave to the paycheck is never fun.

Life outside of Bikram has been hectic. I am enjoying my new job, but it often reminds me that I want more in my career. I know I need to apply to programs, but I just cant muster the strength to do it. I am taking 2 graduate level classes this fall: Child Psychopathology and Intro to ABA- 2 things I consider myself an expert in, yet have never had an actual class in. My job allows me to take classes for free at any state university, so I am enrolled at University of Memphis as a non-degree seeking grad student. I am hoping being back in an academic setting will add some fuel to the fire and get me on my way to applying. We shall see. Classes start in 1 week and I am really excited (not just to be back in a school setting, but hopefully to meet some new people as well!).

I havent had much of a chance to explore Memphis yet. My "to do" list is still on my fridge, waiting patiently. Brandon is too busy with school to accompany me on any of these fun things, so I have realized I must take it upon myself to see what's out there (before dusk and in safe parts of the city, dont you worry!). I really need to upload some pictures... so lazy.

Still riding the roller-coaster of emotion that accompanies a move like this, but where is the fun in life if you are just sitting still, right?

Back to Bikram

It has been ages since I last updated- my apologies. Life has been wild lately. I am busy with my new job (which I am greatly enjoying!), still busy unpacking (after a month!?), and busy getting my life settled and finding some normalcy amongst the chaos. I have my moments of sadness when I miss my friends, miss my routine, and miss the simplicity of previous situations. I have had a hard time finding my niche here, and moving to a new city is always tough. A large factor in my random bouts of sadness, I can assure you, are because I went nearly 7 weeks without Bikram.

I was torn. The studio here is nearly 30 min from my house, and much more expensive than I can honestly afford. Jumping back on the Bikram wagon would be a huge commitment. So I let it slide for the first 4 weeks I was here. I was hoping I could find a substitute or something to fill the void. But after a while, it became overwhelmingly apparent that nothing could- life without Bikram was awful. I felt tired, bloated, distracted, lost, and down right miserable. My hips began aching again and I was once again having trouble with stairs and sitting for a long time. My body and mind were calling out to me and I had to listen. So I pulled myself up by my boot strings and hit the studio.

I was so nervous. I dont know why. I had about an hour to kill before my first session and I spent it pacing and worrying. Like I said- I dont know why! I got there early (you know me, early is late, and when nerves get involved, I will likely be there an hour early). The studio is gorgeous, and the people I encountered were very nice. Nonetheless, I was a nervous wreck. I got myself ready, picked a spot in the back of the room, and tried to calm myself before class started. I just kept saying to myself, "never too late, never too old, never too bad, never too sick... to start from the scratch once again." I said it over and over. It helped.

Class began. The teacher was a visiting instructor from Brooklyn, and I loved her style immediately. She was very supportive, and most of all, very fun. The room was hot- hotter than I remember. But compared to this awful, miserable Memphis air, it was bearable. Pranyama invigorated me and got me excited for class. That excitement was soon smashed by half moon. I think- no, I KNOW- I did too much too quickly. After the first backward bend, I knew I had let myself get too freaked out. I started getting light-headed, dizzy, and nauseous. My hips were killing me. By Eagle, I was unable to stand. I had to sit down. I think, honestly, that I simply forgot to breath. Not that I was breathing wrong, but I was simply NOT breathing... at all! I think I was trying so hard to get right back on the saddle that I forgot it had been almost 2 months since I had been to a class. Duh, Amy. So I sat. I felt awful- not just physically, but also that I had pushed myself too hard and was feeling bad for having taken such a huge step backwards in my practice. I was so tempted to throw a little pity party for myself, but I just kept repeating Bikram's words... "never too late... to start from scratch again." And starting from scratch is exactly how it felt.

Bikram's words got me through that class. I was able to bring myself to a comfortable place- knowing I would not be capable of things I had once been able to do towards the end of my 60 day challenge. I sat out often, had to skip several postures, and drank a bit more water than usual. But I stayed. I completed the class, and completed it with a smile. On my drive home, I was so proud of myself and I felt the emptiness in my soul begin to refill. I realized, then more than ever, that Bikram is not something that I do from time to time if I feel up to it. It is a part of my life. It is something I will, and must, always make time for. It isnt about money. It cant be. Without out, I can tell something is missing, both physically and mentally. I need Bikram in my life.

I have been to 2 classes since this agonizing return. Saturday was better, and yesterday was great. I still have to sit out a bit and take it easy as my body acclimates, just as I had to when I began in April. But I am happy. And I cant wait to get to class again!

I brought a friend of mine to class on Sunday. I met her through work and I have really enjoyed getting to know her. I knew right off the bat that she would be someone that would enjoy Bikram and go into it with an open mind. She loved it, and I couldnt be more excited! I love sharing my experience and this practice with others!

So, Bikram, you win. You are a part of my life forever, now. I may be poor, and I may have to drive 30 min out of my way, but you are here to stay. And I couldnt be happier.

i love string cheese

Both the food AND the band. Just got home from a long, stressful, wonderful day at work. Sitting on my big oversized chair eating some mozzarella string cheese and listening to string cheese incident. I cant help but smile from the irony. Sometimes it is the most simple things in life that can bring the most happiness.

"Sometimes it seems like such a hard life,

But there's good times around the bend.

The rollercoaster's got to roll to the bottom

If you want to climb to the top again."

Well, on a happier note...

...Bikram Choudhury is coming to Memphis in September! How exciting!

I dont wanna grow up.

Being an adult has its perks, dont get me wrong. But lately the CONS are tremendously outweighing the PROS.

I am 27. Yes, I have my MA, but I had really hoped to have my PhD by this time... I am paralyzed in the application process and I am so disappointed in myself that I cant even comprehend actually applying at this point. It is pathetic. I am working a job that pays me terribly so I can get "more experience" to get me into this fairy tale, imaginary PhD program that I don't even know if I can muscle up the courage to apply to. I am broke beyond belief- it is all I can do to keep a roof over my head and my bills paid and have a little left over for basic food and transportation. I have no savings, no "fun" money set aside, no safety net in case something bad were to happen. I have passions (bikram, traveling, etc.) that I must eliminate from my life because I cant afford them. Seriously broke. Frighteningly broke. I am in a relationship that is going.... somewhere... not sure where. I chasing some wild dream that seems to vanish with every passing day.

I look around at people my age and I wonder what is wrong with me and why I don't have what others have. I know so many people that are a year or 2 or even 3 younger than me and they seem to have it all: the career, the money, the new car, the funds to travel and have fun, the husband... and I wonder where I went wrong. Granted, it is easy for those who are lucky enough (not blessed, just straight lucky) to be born into money. It makes me mad, and I dont like feeling that way. Yea, good for you, enjoy your silver spoon. Others just seem to have it all together and have it all figured out- everything falling into place. I dont.

Yes, I know I have plenty to be thankful for. I am healthy. I have a beautiful family that loves me unconditionally. I have some amazing friends (but sometimes I get so jealous of THEM that some of this angst and frustration can be wrongfully and gently aimed in their direction) that I wouldn't trade for the world. I DO have a job, which I am thankful for. I have lots of things to be happy about. Dont get me wrong, I am a lucky girl, and I know it.

I am 27 years old. I feel like I am fighting being a grown up so much that I am wasting time and bring all of this frustration upon myself.

Sometimes I just wonder why I seem to be on the fast track to nowhere....

Tomorrow, you're only a day away!

Well, work starts tomorrow. I spent the day today getting organized and unpacking the important stuff. We went to the store and stocked the fridge, which is always a warming feeling that makes a new place feel like more of a home and less of a hotel. Fiona loves it here. She didnt like the ride over, baut once she had a chance to explore and see how much better this place is than our last home, she was all purrrrs. She got "lost" a few times during the night (something she does from time to time) and I could hear her meowing from across the apartment. But she is figuring it out now and spent the whole day recovering from the big move (she worked so hard...) and laying in the sun by the window. Tough life, eh? I'll post pictures later- too tired to get up off the couch to get my camera adapter!

I really like this apartment complex. We went to the gym this evening and I am really exited to have that facility on my finger tips. I am really hoping to turn over a new leaf with this move. Well, a leaf that has been flipped over tons of times, just leaving it on the right side =) I am already very healthy and fit, but there is always room for improvement. I really want to watch what I eat and exercise at least 5 days a week. I promise I will never be one of those freaks that only eats lettuce and applesauce and works out for 65 hours a day- those girls frighten me. I have just really let myself go since I finished my Bikram challenge. I was used to burning 800 calories a day, and now, not so much... I cant wait to check out the new studio here! Just gotta wait for that first paycheck.

Well I could ramble for hours and hours, but I will spare you. Wish my luck tomorrow!