Race day details so you can stalk me, and some final thoughts on this whole crazy situation...

My last post before the race! Why? Well, I am an emotional mess, and I want to spare you all from the complete meltdown that will be taking place over the next 4 days. You have been patient enough with my ramblings up to this point, and I think it is time I cut myself off from the emotional verbal diarrhea that is already itching to explode.

So first of all, I know you are heartbroken that you don't get to stand outside in the freezing cold for 6 hours to watch 4 seconds of me running by, am I right? It's ok, I understand you have better things to do with your Saturday morning.

But fear not! You can stalk me from the comfort of your own home!

For those of you that want to track my progress, you can sign up to get text messages that will alert you when I reach 7 points along the way. That way, you know I am still alive and kickin'. If you stop getting texts, you can know to send your condolences to my parents. (OK, that is not funny. Sorry. I won't die, don't worry, sheesh. Tough crowd.)

I may also see if this system can follow my progress to the Emergency Room (to alert you of my diagnoses of "temporary psychosis" and "completely broken lower extremities"), and then to the nearest bar (to track my drinking status of "one beer and she's down for the count").

So, here is the info on text message tracking (with my comments in purple):

"Beginning race morning (ass crack of dawn), the runner tracking system can be accessed on the marathon home page (<-- that's a link, so just click on it). Family and friends (that means you) can track runners (that's me, bib number 2833) as they cross mile marks 3.1, 6.2, 10,13.1, 18.6, 24 and the finish. The system will also provide an estimated finish time. Search for your favorite runners (again, that's me) once the race begins."

So, in a nutshell, for all of you that need the info presented in simple terms... you need to:
1) Wake up by 8am CST (9am for all my east-coast pals) on Saturday morning
2) Go to the marathon website
3) Sign up for runner tracking (IMPORTANT: my bib number is 2833)
4) Sit back with your feet up and a nice mimosa in hand
5) Make sure your phone isn't on silent, which will cause you to wonder why you haven't "heard" any updates, thus sending you into a complete panic thinking I didn't even survive the first 3 miles

You may ask, “Amy, what’s your plan? What’s your strategy for running 26.2 miles on 2 busted ankles and a jacked up neck, having not trained in 2 months? How are you possibly stupid enough to run this race in your current situation? Why are you a moron? Do you really think you are ready for this?”

Good questions. Thank you for your inquiries.

Let’s start with this: I openly acknowledge that 1) I should not be running this race, 2) I am a complete moron for attempting to run this race, and 3) there is a very, very good chance I will not finish this race.

So, now that we have THAT out of the way, let’s talk strategy.

I am going to put myself with the 5 hour 10 minute pace group. Eww. I will be using what is called the “Galloway Method”: running + walking. I will run/jog/travel for about 10 minutes, then walk for 2 minutes through each water station. Yea, this means I will be at a 12 minute pace- a long cry from my 9:30 pace I had set out to accomplish. Double eww.

My estimated start time is around 8:30am CST. So, to break it down a little (all times in CST):
Mile 5- 9:30am
Mile 10- 10:30am
Mile 15- 11:30am
Mile 20- 12:30pm
Mile 25- 1:30pm
Finish- 1:45pm

Now, to address your last question: Do you really think you are ready for this?

As my wise friend Lauren so eloquently stated, “Sometimes being ready means accepting that it might not happen like you planned.” And boy oh boy, is this completely opposite of what I had planned. I am ready to face the day with an open mind and (try to) not be upset with my performance. I am ready to do my best, but not push myself too far. I am ready to be proud, but also disappointed and upset. I am not as ready physically as I want to be (or should be), but I have to play the hand I have been dealt.

Last, but not least, I need to accept that none of this is my fault. Thank you, Carrie, for really shaking some sense into me: "It’s not your fault that you got injured, it’s not your fault that it won’t go EXACTLY as planned, and that does not change that you are still the most dedicated runner I know."

So, here it is, 56 hours (yea, that’s right, we are now counting down in HOURS) from the starting line. I want to thank all of you for not just your support over the past YEAR, but also your patience and guidance. I can’t believe that 1 year ago, things were so drastically different in my life. I am so grateful all that has happened over the past year, and regardless of what happens in this marathon, I am really proud of how far I have come. Though things didn’t really end up as I had hoped, I am still so happy to have found my passion for running. And no, this isn’t the end- not even close. There will be more races (more marathons, you bet your sweet ass!), and more of my nonsensical ramblings.

Well... I guess that’s all I have to say... so... here goes nothin’...

I am a walking disaster

It's like every force in the universe is trying to keep me from running completing this marathon.


My ankles hurt + my neck being all jacked up = When I walk, I look like quasimodo doing the robot... Imagine me running.


(I bet you have an amazing mental image of me right now, yea? Nice.)


It snowed last night. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE cold weather running, and I am a sucker for some pretty snow. But put aforementioned 80's-dance-move hunchback on slippery grounds, and it's a recipe for disaster. I have heard the weather is supposed to clear up by Saturday, but that doesn't alleviate the fear of putting the most clumsy girl on earth on wet pavement for 26.2 miles.


Everyone around me is sick. Coughing, sneezing, hacking, snotting... Please stop engulfing me with your germs. I have been tempted to walk around and spray every person I encounter in the face with Lysol, but with all the ruckus lately about pepper-spraying at these stupid occupy events, I am scared I will give the wrong impression.


So, if all this crap could just STOP, and I could be healthy, un-hobbling, un-hunched, and have the sun shining on Saturday, that would be great. A damn miracle, but worth hoping for.

5 days...

I was driving down East Parkway yesterday and saw all of the signs saying "Marathon Route, Expect Delays, THIS SATURDAY".


Everything is so surreal. That is the only word that makes sense to me right now. Surreal. I can't believe the race is so soon...

What a pain in the neck... literally.

Yesterday morning, I woke up and my neck said, "Ya know what? I am sick of your ankles hogging all the attention here! I want to be in the spotlight! My turn!" And it them proceeded to completely throw itself outta whack and toss me into the most extreme pain. I am completely crippled-- I cant move my neck at all, and even the smallest movement sends shooting pain down my right leg and right arm. 


AWESOME!


Oh, and the best part: only 5 days till the race! DOUBLE AWESOME.


So, for the past 2 days, I have had to axe my ambitious "solo-holiday-to-do" list. Instead, I have been laid up on my couch trying to find a position that minimizes the shooting pain. I have been reduced to laying here miserably, watching awful romantic comedies on cable. FYI: the movie "27 Dresses" only makes the pain of throwing out your neck WORSE. 


I am going to find a chiropractor tomorrow and beg for an appointment ASAP. As if I am not worried about this marathon enough, ya know...?

Misery loves company

Since I can't run, I have been getting my running "fix" by reading endless running blogs. I am cruising through the top running blogs of 2011, and have found some really amazing reads.


The 2 things I noticed right off the bat (and that made me feel a little bit better about my current situation) are:
1) Lots of people get injured, even when doing everything right. Bones break. Tendons fail. Knees protest. I still strongly believe that our bodies aren't made to consistently run such incredibly long distances. There are people out there that can run 10 marathons a year and be perfectly healthy- those people are what I call "freaks." (Haha, just kidding. But, no, really, you are...) But the rest of us humans need to suffer the consequences of the insanity we subject our bodies to. I need to be patient.
2) Everyone has a bad race from time to time- not every race can be a PR or an amazing, happy experience. Disappointment is part of the game. Again, even if you do everything right, you are bound to have a race that you are ashamed to tell anyone about. But, you can't lose hope; while there are poor races that bring you down, there are also those races that make you feel like such an amazing bad ass, like you are an actual super hero and deserve a cape. 
...I know I am not the only one in the world that is hurt and facing a bad race, but hearing the stories of fellow runners that have been in my shoes definitely helps. 


I mentioned earlier that I am having a really hard time putting my feelings into words. And I still am. But, reading the experiences of others has helped...


I found a phrase (on this blog, discussing a bad race) that pretty much hits the nail on the head about how I have been feeling lately: "soul-crushing." (Man, am I a drama queen or what? People are dying of hunger, fighting cancer, and facing horrible struggles, and here I am bitching that I cant run 26 miles? Hello, selfish.)


Also, another blogger had an entry about a disappointing race, and this portion of her entry really made me realize a huge part of my sadness about the upcoming marathon: "... I think a huge part of it was that I felt like I was failing in front of a friend. If I go out and have a bad race when I'm running by myself, no one else knows. But in this race, I felt like my crappy failure of a run was on display for my friend to see, and failing in front of a crowd sucks so much more than failing when no one is watching." 


Wow. Yes. So true. 


Ok, here goes nothin'. I will be honest and admit 2 feelings I have had recently:
1) I am sad that I will be running the race alone. Don't get me wrong, I love a nice solo run more than anything in the world. But, when you train for a race with a group and go into training thinking you will be side-by-side with a friend mile after ungodly mile of the race, it is a bit heartbreaking to face the fact that you will, indeed, be left alone in the dust. I am proud of my friends for doing so well with their training, and I wish the best for them in this race, don't get me wrong! But... I am scared to run alone.
2) I feel like a failure, and I don't like that feeling being on display for those watching. I know my friends love me unconditionally, whether I run this race or not. But, nonetheless, failing while in the spotlight is really, really hard. Is it embarrassment that I am feeling? Maybe. I am so excited to have Maureen and Kevin watching- having them there will keep me going. But, at the same time, the thought of them seeing me fail brings tears to my eyes. I feel like a failure- I can't help it. No matter what anyone says, I can't shake this feeling.


Well, hello catharsis- there you are! Where have you been hiding?

A bit of sunshine in a dark, stormy, cloudy sky

A good metaphor to use during our current 3-day rain storm of gloom and fog.


Maureen and I just spent an hour planning her "cheering route" for the marathon. She (and Kevin) will be able to see me at 6 places along the way, which is amazing! Even though I am still scared out of my gourd about this race, I am so excited to have spectators along the way that my fear is (temporarily and superficially) smothered by happiness.


I am organizing and planning the events of the race weekend now because 1) I know I will be too psycho, panic-driven freak next week to hold a clear thought in my mind, and 2) it will (hopefully) help ease some of my pre-race jitters. So, while I have zero control over my current injury situation, I can at least have control over the color headband I will be wearing for my trip to the hospital after the race. 


Disclaimer: If you haven't caught on by now, I am using humor as a defense mechanism. I, in no way, will let myself get to the point of actually needing to go to the hospital. I use all of my "cross the finish line on a stretcher" jokes as a way of bringing humor to a situation that, quite frankly, totally sucks ass.

12 days...

I am getting really anxious about the marathon.


I went to a running clinic last week, and I was smacked across the face with two intense, yet opposite emotions: heart-beat-out-of-your-chest-excitement, and paralyze-you-and-make-you-want-to-vomit-FEAR.


I really wish I could explain everything that is running through my mind about this race, but it is impossible. So, I am not going to try.

Have $8 million you could lend me?

I was lucky enough to get to attend Pediatric Research Day today, sponsored by LeBonheur Children's Hospital. At that conference, I heard 2 presentations on research being done at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. In these presentations, several case studies were reviewed, looking at how new technology is helping save the lives of children, as young as 2 or 3 years of age, with brain tumors. Listening to an actual brain surgeon talk about how he was able to save a child, keep them cancer free, and give them a wonderful quality of life was humbling. However, it is expensive to do such amazing things. One of the machines, an Intraoperative MRI, costs a staggering 8 MILLION DOLLARS. At the risk of sounding like a MasterCard commercial... saving a child's life: PRICELESS.


Today's conference really reinforced the impact the St. Jude Marathon will have on the help that can be offered to these children and families. The 2011 Marathon has already raised over 2.5 million dollars. As a St. Jude Hero, I can proudly say I contributed over $700 to that. Before my shoes are even tied, I can easily say that it will be a day that will forever live in my memory, and one of the greatest accomplishments I have ever achieved.


With your help, we can throw a few more dollars towards St. Jude and the tremendous things they are doing for people in need. Please, if you have not already, donate- even if it is $5, every little bit helps!


And once again, to all of you that have helped, an unconditional "thank you" is sent your way. It means so much to me that this day can be about more than just the race- it's about saving lives.

OK, fine. I LIED.

I will just get right to the point here: I ran.

I KNOW! I KNOW! I promised I wouldn't! But hear me out, ok?

I had every intention of going to Bikram today- until I was leaving work to head there and realized I forgot my towel and mat. Yes, I know I can rent them from the studio, but sorry love, there is no way this germaphobe is going to use a community towel and yoga mat from a Bikram studio. Not gonna happen.

I thought I could just head to the gym instead, but I only had yoga clothes with me, and I wasn't about to go hit the weight machines in Shakti shorts and a tiny little tank top. Though I am sure I would have turned some heads...

So of course my mind wandered down the restricted path of... "well, maybe, I could, ya know... go for a little... run? maybe? just a little jog? maybe stretch out the old legs? maybe just... maybe just a little mosey through the park? just a mile or two?" (Said very much in the voice of Stewie from Family Guy when he asks Brian how his novel is coming... and if you do not know what I am referencing, you make me very sad.)

I have been on the brink of a complete meltdown without running, so it didn't take much to completely rationalize all common sense telling me to not do it.

So, I dusted off the old Brooks, and head out for a 5k...

Hey there, old friends! How ya been?

It was unseasonably warm, around 70 degrees. Very windy, which I love. I took it easy, kept myself at a 10:30 pace, and focused a lot on my form. My right ankle hurt, but not a lot. And really, I was more distracted by the fact that 1) my entire body was protesting, 2) I could barely breathe, and 3) despite #1 and #2, I was so incredibly happy to be running again. I even enjoyed the lovely (sarcasm) smell of the Mississippi River, and the cat-calls from the dirty Memphians driving by.

Now I am home, taking care of my dysfunctional tendons:

Elevation + compression socks + ice pack + praying to the ankle gods

I just don't understand how, after a full 2 months of care, unconditional love and attention, rest, money, and pep talks, my ankles can STILL be protesting... it just makes no sense! I want new ankles, please. Can I trade these ones in for an upgrade?

Saturday mornings are tough...

PAST: Friday nights are mellow, filled with pasta, heading to bed super early, and happily anxious about the morning to come- not quite "the night before Christmas" feeling, but pretty damn close. I would wake up at the crack of dawn on Saturday morning and set out on a long run. My lungs would be filled with fresh Mississippi River air (ha!) and my heart would be filled with pride and happiness.


PRESENT: Friday nights, I can do whatever I want, because I don't have to get up early. Saturday mornings, I naturally wake up at 7am, lay there a while, and try to hold back the tears. Then go about my day, avoiding Facebook and running posts at all costs. Saturday is the one day of the week my bitter, jealous feelings come out in full force, and nothing I do can chase them away.


This weekend, I replaced running with cooking. I went nuts. I needed something to fill the void.

I made Pumpkin Chili.

And 2 trays of roasted vegetables.

And a huge pot of Potato Broccoli Cheese soup.

And a vat of brown rice. 

And a ton of barley.

I made 12 freezer meals for work lunches. 

Plus lunch for myself.

And dinner for Kevin.

Time flies when you're injured

Ummm soooooo the marathon is in 3 weeks. Like, 3 weeks from now, I will be heading over to the expo to get my race packet. 3 weeks and 1 day from today I will be at Bruce's pre-race pasta party with all of my running BFFs. 3 weeks and 2 days from THIS MOMENT, I will be en route,  running jogging traveling 26.2 miles. HOLY SH*T BALLS!


Yea. My ankle still hurts. This is how I currently feel about this whole stupid TENDON DYSFUNCTION thing:

(But doesn't it look so pretty with the neon pink tape?)

Simple words to live by

One of my favorite re-reads of all time is Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Couldn't be a more appropriate time for me to curl up with this classic once again.

Yuck

I think it is good to have days that completely blow. That way, you appreciate the good days even more. Yesterday was so tremendously BLAH. Sleep sucked. Waking up sucked. Work sucked. Yoga sucked. Dinner sucked. The only thing worth praising was the moment I fell asleep and the day ended. But it is ok. Days like that happen. I am not one of those people that happily bounds through life, skipping through fields of daisies, oblivious to the fact that sometimes shitty days happen.


Yoga was a mess. I was claustrophobic, couldn't breathe, couldn't focus, extra sweaty, extra slippery, the sweat was pouring in my eyes and I couldn't see, the guy in front of me kept splashing me with his excessive sweat, my body hurt, my heart was racing, my lips were chapped, my shirt kept getting stuck in my love handle rolls... and I had awful gas. Yea. I am human, get over it. But one thing that really stood out and worried me: I was SO dizzy. Since I started back with Bikram 2 weeks ago, I have noticed I am tremendously dizzy. Like, can't hold postures, can't move quickly, can't even sit up without the world spinning. Camel used to be one of my favorite postures, now I can't even set up the posture without the room doing cartwheels. Yesterday, as I lay in a dizzy fog of frustration, I was running through all the possible things that could be causing this extreme dizzy feeling. Hydration? No- I drink more water than any human being on earth. Nutrition? No- I eat well, eat enough, and get the nutrients I need. Out of practice for a while? No- I wasn't like this after my 3 or 6 month hiatus last year. That's when it hit me- medicine! I started taking a new medicine about a month ago, and one of the side effects is "may cause dizziness." Well damn, how about that. Stupid little pill that is supposed to fix things is throwing off my Bikram practice big time. While I am glad to know the reason for this out-of-the-blue-dizzy crap, I am also really sad that it is something that I can't fix. I mean, I COULD stop taking my medicine, but ya know, ya usually take medicine for a reason, yea? I guess I am just going to have to adapt my practice and accept the fact that things are going to be a little harder for me. 


So, what is the point of this rant? Sometimes the universe throws us curve balls. You have two choices: you can run away, or you can try to make the most of what you've got to work with. This is just another hurdle I have to overcome, but giving up is not an option. Not at all.

Peace and Solitude

T minus 4 weeks...

What can I count on to fix me when I am broken? To heal both the mind and body?


No, not tequila... though that does come in a very close 2nd place...


BIKRAM!


I have been going twice a week as part of my cross-training SLASH mental therapy SLASH physical therapy. It really is a wonderful way to address everything I need. I can tell it has been 5 months, plus about 300 miles on my feet since my last class. I am hurting in postures I never have before, and not just in my ankles. Of course, awkward poster #2, balancing stick, and eagle are tough on the ankles:

Awkward 

Balancing Stick 

Eagle

But they don't HURT in the awful, debilitating way they hurt when I would run. I can tell the postures are really helping (re)strengthen the parts of my body that have beaten neglected given the cold shoulder since I have turned into a running machine. I am really happy to have time in that sweaty, smelly, steamy room for 90 minutes twice a week. I have missed it.

Still going to spin twice a week also. And lifting + some other cross training once a week. Proud of myself for hangin' in there through all of this.

I am pulling out all the stops with my treatment/prevention of this stupid ankle crap. I did some research on my own (now that I am confidently out of the "cry my eyes out, so upset, the world is ending, poor me" phase) about what exactly is wrong and how to fix it.

Posterior Tibial Tendon Dysfunction (PTTD) 

(said in an evil, scary, ominous, echo-y voice)

This is the tendon I hurt. Isn't it pretty?

Yep. Anything with DYSFUNCTION in it is right up my alley, so this is a perfect diagnosis for me.

I spend an hour googling this crap today, and found that there's a ton of runners out there equally as pissed off and angry as I am about this teeeeeeny little tendon. I got some good tips on dealing with it. I am currently functioning in the mindset of "I don't have time to try one thing at a time before the race, so I will spend the next 4 weeks doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING simultaneously in hopes that SOMETHING will help." Yea, may not be the smartest, but TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE HERE, PEOPLE! Cut me some slack! 


So, summary of what I will be obsessed with for the next 4 weeks:
-Ice, ice, baby.
-PT stretches that made me mad previously, stopped for about a week, but need to continue doing.
-Cross training: Spin, weights, and especially the magical healing powers of Bikram.
-KT tape. PINK AND ORANGE KT tape. Colors help.
-SuperFeet inserts. Neon green. Again, colors are on the road to recovery...
-Wearing shoes with good arch support... as often as I can. (C'mon. I am a girl. I gotta wear uncomfortable heels every once in a while...)
-I got some new horse pills, I mean, NSAID's from my doctor since NOTHING has been working. Hope these bad boys help the inflammation.
-Not running. (grrr...)
-Regular stretching, not just the PT mumbo-jumbo.
-Willing myself to feel better.
-Praying to God, Buddha, Mother Nature, Allah, you name it.
-Massages from my sweet boyfriend. (right? please?)


OK maybe those last 3 are me going out on a desperate limb, but whatever makes me sleep well at night and not spaz out about the race, I am gonna go with.


Oh, and tequila. That helps too, right?


Again, as I have said before, and I say at least 20 times a day to myself:


I WILL RUN THIS MARATHON.

Here comes the sun

"Give me odorous at sunrise a garden of beautiful flowers where I can walk undisturbed."

...Ok, so maybe it isn't the smell of flowers that fills my lungs, but rather the smell of the Wonder Bread factory 2 blocks away. 

...And maybe it isn't a beautiful garden, but downtown Memphis. 

But hey, it is still a pretty stunning sunrise, wouldn't you agree? I must say- I love the view from my little desk at work.