Day 59....!

Today was great! I felt awesome and I was honestly smiling through the entire session! Well, until I got a pesky foot cramp that would randomly come back in postures. Grrr. Probably because I have been eating complete crap lately. Whatever.

ONE MORE DAY! Can you believe it?! I am going to treat this entry as if it were my last- we are leaving straight from class tonight (class 60) to head out on vacation. We are going to SC to see my family, then up to NC to see Brandon's family. I will happily NOT have Internet access for almost a whole week, so I wont be able to update tomorrow after Day 60. Now, that doesnt mean this will be my LAST entry- oh no, my friend. I not only plan on continuing with Bikram, but I will also continue on this "journey" long after it is over. So I will be updating from time to time- not as often as I am now, but here and there, just to keep you on your toes!

So, for this last entry, I am going to talk a bit about my practice as a whole, and then review every posture. It will be lengthy. Enjoy?

I honestly dont know how to describe the spiritual and mental transformation that has taken place within me over the past 60 days, 4 weeks, 2 months. There are no words. I was thinking of a way to try to explain, but nothing can adequately explain it- I would rather leave it to your own imagination than give an inaccurate description. I can sum it up with one bit- I am happy. For the first time in a very long time, I feel at peace with myself and the world.

Physically... eh. Definitely not the spectacular transformation I had been hoping for. If anything, I gained weight. I openly admit that I took on the mentality of "oh, I work out for 90 minutes every day, I can eat anything and everything!" That whole low sugar high protein diet didnt really go as planned. Oh well. I have grown to love my body AND its lumps bumps and curves. After looking at yourself in wet spandex for 90 minutes a day, you get over all those tiny insecurities. So while I didnt lose any weight, I lost insecurity- and that weighs more than a pound of tummy chum.

I could go on and on and on and on and on and on about this journey, what I am feeling and what I am thinking, but it would take ages. I just want to share this 1 message with you all- find what you love and do it. I love Bikram, and I plan to continue doing it.

Now, on to the postures:

-Pranayama: Oh breathing... This was a very difficult aspect of Bikram for me in the beginning, but I love it now. I love filling my lungs to full capacity and knowing they are healthy, full, and pink. I feel relaxed and energized through correct pranayama breathing. I am doing my best to implement this as a meditation during stressful times.

-Half moon with hands to feet: Side to side, I still struggle a great deal. I shake, I hurt, and I feel extremely uncomfortable. It hasnt eased up much over the 60 days, but my form is excellent. I guess I should be proud of this success, especially since it is form over depth! Backward bending is one of my most successful postures- I have progressed so dramatically. I still vary from day to day, but all in all, I am so proud of how deep I am able to get in this posture. Forward bending is a love-hate relationship. I feel wonderful in this posture, but I literally have to give every bit of myself over to this posture. I try so hard in this posture- try to keep correct form, pull my head to the floor, and lock my knees. I love how I feel when I come out of it though!

-Awkward: I love this posture! There are 3 components, and all 3 I enjoy. I feel strong, successful, and proud in this posture. My legs shake, and I love it. I can see the transformation in my legs from these 3 postures. Nothing but love for Awkward!

-Eagle: I think my biggest success in Eagle pose is that I have improved my stability. For the whole 20 seconds, I am focused and not wobbling all over the place like I was in the beginning. I am able to get slightly deeper into the posture, but nothing big. I can get my toes just behind my calf on both sides, but I cannot fully wrap my foot around on either side yet. But like I said, I am stable, focused, and strong in this posture.

-Standing head to knee: Improvement, yes. My standing locked leg has experienced such amazing progress- I am so proud of myself! I remained with just a standing locked leg and keeping my raised leg close to my body for a long time- focusing 100% attention and energy on keeping my leg locked, standing still, focused, and strong. Just recently, I have started kicking out. I cant kick my leg perfectly straight, but I am stable, and that is fantastic. I would rather do it right and with strength than flopping all over the place.

-Standing bow pulling: I really enjoy this posture. I struggle with it every single day, but I enjoy it. When standing on my left leg, I wobble a lot more and struggle with locking my standing leg, but I do not let myself give up. I work so hard- I just recently noticed I make a really funny face in this posture because I focus so hard. It is almost like a Zoolander face. It makes me laugh now to see myself. When standing on the right leg, I feel like a super hero! I am so strong- so focused- so deep into the posture. This side is one of the few postures that I can really push my depth. My leg is up, my body is down, and I am reaching so far forward- I really feel like I could conquer the world in this posture.

-Balancing stick: This is a very cardiovascular posture, and I mostly just struggle with keeping my breathing normal while my heart rate is so high. I have been pretty stable in this posture (of course, having knee-locking issues with my left leg), and my main challenge has been making sure I lower my body down enough. I have the back leg up high enough, but I always either bend down too forward or stay up to high. I have a hard time finding the happy medium.

-Standing separate leg stretching: Oh boy, can you say struggle? I have improved so much, though. When I began, my forehead was a good 2 feet off the floor and my legs were wobbly and bending and I had to keep my hands on the floor below me. Now, I am able to grab y feet, lock my knees, and my head is only about 6 inches off the floor. I have a hard time pulling myself down and hinging at the hips, so I think those last 6 inches will take a lot longer to achieve. I love where I am with this posture, and I love the struggle- I love how my legs shake and I have to try so hard to keep my hands under my feet at the side. I dont like going into it, bur I love the feeling when I come out of it.

-Triangle: The master posture of the standing series. I have worked so hard at improving my form on this posture. My painful hips create a challenge for this posture, but I have done so well. I am able to get into the posture with correct form and amazing depth. I struggle holding the posture for the appropriate amount of time sometimes- I have to really focus on not coming out of the posture too early. Nonetheless, the time I do spend in the posture is awesome and I am so proud of myself!

-Standing separate leg head to knee: It wasnt until Connie from Memphis came to visit that I realized I was doing this with slightly poor form. After her help and adjustments, I feel I am getting better in this posture. I still must bend my knee in order to get the compression with my forehead, but I feel much more stable than I used to. I would wobble and fall and need to use a lot of hand strength to keep me up. Now I am able to keep my palms together and really focus my attention on pushing my knee back with my forehead.

-Tree and toe stand: I love tree pose. When I did yoga in the past, I always thought I was such a badass because I could do this posture. Too bad I have been doing it wrong until I started Bikram! Many people think that it is no big deal to bring both of your hands to prayer position while keeping your leg up. What they dont know is that their backs are bent, their hips arent forward, their knee isnt locked, and they are wobbling all over. So when I got into class, I thought I was awesome, but I was all wrong. Over the past 60 days, I have focused on being the strongest, tallest tree I can be. My leg is locked, my hips are forward, my back is straight, and I am pulling myself up to the ceiling. I can occasionally bring both hands to prayer without my foot falling, but I am more concerned with the form than being able to get both hands to prayer. The second part of tree is toe stand. I am so amazingly proud of myself for in this posture. I have, on several occasions, been able to bring my hands to prayer position, but only for about 4 seconds- I bring my focus forward and try to straighten my back, and I fall. But still, I am really proud of my focus and dedication to doing well in this posture. I enjoy this posture a lot!

-Wind removing pose: This posture is not much of a challenge for me except that I have a hard time holding my yucky sweaty legs. I slip a lot. My back is not yet completely on the floor, but I am working on it. And it has REALLY helped my digestive system- Bikram tells the truth! This posture has done wonders for my indigestion. Sorry, TMI.

-Cobra: I thought I was doing this posture wrong at first because of the depth I was capable of right off the bat. But as it turns out, this is just that 1 posture I am lucky with. Since day 1, I have been able to bring my torso up and get my bellybutton off the floor using just back strength. I dont use my hands, though it may look like it from the depth of my back bend. But alas, I am just that good, haha! I feel extremely lucky to have success in this posture since day 1.

-Locust: Oh locust, what you do to me... What a challenge! I have gotten better, thats for sure, but I still have much further to go. But I am ok with that! I love where I am at. Over the past week especially, on occasion, I am able to get my body moved forward onto my shoulders enough to lift my legs even higher. The hardest part for me is that my hip bones often jab into my arms because I guess I cant get my arms close enough under my body. I am working on it though, and I am so determined to improve my ability in this posture.

-Full locust: This posture varies a lot from day to day. Some days I really do feel like I can take flight and lift off- I feel energetic, light, and powerful. Other days, I struggle to even lift my arms. Sometimes I get this weird sharp pain in my left shoulder blade area. It is weird. It feels like someone is sticking a needle or pin into my shoulder blade. I dont know why.

-Bow: After my realization a while back about using my back strength and not my knees to pull up, I am loving this posture. I just now struggle with keeping my knees only 6 inches apart. I can get into a pretty deep bow form, but my knees spread out further (though my feet are together).

-Fixed firm: Remember when I tokened this one my enemy? Oh it seems like only yesterday. Fixed firm and I are friends now. I still must take my time and not push myself, but I enjoy it. I think it made me so mad when I began my challenge because I was not as good as others. But whatever- I am wonderful where I am. My knees are still very far apart, but I feel comfortable when I lay back. I really look forward to this posture and love the feeling of laying in savasana after it.

-Half tortoise: Again, love this posture. I am getting much better at keeping my hips and heels together while still stretching my arms forward. I have to keep active in this posture, though- it is so easy to get comfy and let your arms go limp. I need to remind myself to keep stretching forward and make this an active, stretching posture. Not a nap =)

-Camel: Master posture of the floor series, how I love you! It is such a struggle- the dizziness, the fear of leaning back, the focus- I love every bit of it! Some days I feel very nauseous in this posture, and those are usually days when I ate or drank water too soon to the start of class. I have talked about it before, but I love how comfortable I am with my vulnerability in this posture. I cannot say enough good things about camel. I am sometimes scared of it and get a bit negative when I know it is coming up, but I always look back on it and give myself a mental high five.

-Rabbit: I think I didnt like this one to begin with because I just didnt get it. It looks quite simple, but there is a lot going on with this one. Pulling your shoulders from your ears, keeping you arms straight, sucking your stomach in, keeping your heels together... the list goes on. It wasnt until about a week ago that I started feeling comfortable with this posture. I always felt really awkward and like I was doing it completely wrong, but lately I feel like I am really producing the correct form. I have a hard time breathing in this posture. I smell bad at this point, and my face is smashed into my own body. Ugh.

-Head to knee with stretching: Oh boy do I struggle with this one. I know it is all about compression, but man, I can definitely feel the pain in my legs as I bend my body forward to my knee. I dont like this posture. I think it is my least favorite. I dont know why. I always go into it with a positive attitude, but I finish feeling very off and not very proud. The postures you dislike the most are the ones you need the most. I must really need this one.

-Khapalbhati: I really like this breathing exercise. A great way to end the class and remind me to bring my discipline and focus with me when I leave the studio.

Now... on to day 60!

Day 58

Today was the first day since I have started this challenge that I straight up did not feel like being there. I was feeling so off- mentally and physically. My body was feeling very strange... I dont know how to explain it... something just wasnt right. Mentally, I was in another place. I am planning to leave for NC/SC straight from class on Thursday (Day 60) and I have so much to do before we head out that my mind was racing with what I have to do, what to pack, what to remember, and I was just feeling really stressed out. No matter how much I tried to focus and push any unwanted thoughts out of my mind, they would always come storming back in and demand to be analyzed. I just... didnt want to be there. It was a weird feeling, honestly, because I have not experienced this before. No matter how tired, cranky, or yucky I have felt in the past, I always want to go to yoga. And today.... I just... didnt.

Despite my awful "I dont wanna be here" feeling, I stuck it out. The first part of class was so blah... I had no desire to try and push myself. However, once I muscled through the balancing series, I actually began to feel a bit better. I did well on the spine strengthening series (producing yet another killer locust, ow ow!) and made it to the end of class with 100% effort and discipline. I dont know why the 2nd half of class was so much better, but I just felt much more focused and willing to surrender my mind to the yoga.

I dont like the feeling of not wanting to be there. I know it happens to everyone- Sandra even made a comment (of course she did, she always knows when I need that little snippet of motivation to make it through) about "even on your 100th day, you may feel like you are back at the beginning and not want to try, but just push through- you can do it." I know this feeling will pass, I just hope it does quickly. I want my last day to be the best yet- and it can be!

It is days like today that actually make me feel stronger and better about myself- when my determination and focus and desire to practice are at an all-time low and I still manage to complete a class, I know I am capable. I know I can make it through anything Bikram throws at me.

Day 57

Everyone has their first day. (And for many of us, we have several first days... or at least feel like it!) I know how it feels to be new and have no idea what I am getting myself in to. I know what it feels like to be told what to do and still have no clue where to put your hands, how to turn your hips, or what "lock the knee" means. I know how it feels to be hot. I do not, however, have patiece for rude, inconsiderate, annoying people. Today, class was packed. I dont necessarily mind that. However, when 7 of the 30 people in class are new young girls, I get a little flustered. They giggled, talked, complained, pointed at others, and being outright disrespectful to Sandra. They were in a line behind me, so I put 100% effort into focusing on myself- tunnel vision into my own eyes in the mirror. It really made me question how I would handle a situation like that had I been the teacher. My thoughts initially went to: "I would ask them to leave! How dare they disrespect this studio!" But that is my typical jump-to-conclusions mind for ya. Being a teacher must really test your compassion, patience, and dedication to sharing this practice with even those that are blatantly disrespectful. Just a thought.

My practice was wonderful. The heat was intense, as there were so many people in the room, so I felt a bit dizzy from time to time. I had a killer locust, which I am really proud of. Just when I begin questioning my progress, I make just the slightest, smallest change in a posture and my faith in my progress is restored. I felt great.

Day 54, 55, and 56!

Day 54: Today went as well as expected after the day of binge eating cake and sweets for my pre-birthday festivities. I was feeling a bit queasy the whole class, especially during the floor series, but I pulled through. I had a huge breakthrough on locust. Usually I use full back and leg strength to lift my legs in the air, but I moved in such a way today that I figured out how to use my arms and shoulders to help lift myself up. It was awkward, and it made my elbows ache a bit, but that is how you are supposed to do it- the slight ache in the elbows is what that posture is going for. So yay, good for me!

Day 55: Happy birthday to me! I had a very strong session- I was feeling so happy, full, and loved and was just radiating positive energy! I got a new pair of shakti shorts for my birthday, so I felt cute also (which really helps when you are staring at yourself in the mirror for 90 minutes straight!). The whole class sang "happy birthday" to me while we were in triangle pose! How wonderful! It is funny... I dont necessarily know everyones name or know them personally- maybe just a comment here or there before or after class, maybe just a smile in passing- but I feel like I have such a strong connection with many of them. It is like an invisible safety net. Just knowing that these complete strangers are sending their love and support my way- for no reason other than a shared bond during Bikram- is so uplifting. I hope others feel the good energy I send towards them also. I had such a beautiful day- both during and after class. I have been in a real funk lately, and this was the uplifting day that I was so desperately needing.

Day 56: Exhausted, dehydrated, and aching from a night of fun and dancing- I still managed to not only go to class, but enjoy class! I was definitely sluggish and woozy, but I smiled through it all. Sat out here and there, nothing too big. Sandra spoke a bit about discipline- in particular, about wiping sweat. I thought it was purely a discipline guideline based on keeping focus and not expending any unnecessary energy. But actually, if you wipe sweat, you not only push those toxins back into your skin, but you will be hotter- duh, sweat is your body's AC unit, how did I not think of that? So even more reasons to keep your hands at your sides! This has been really hard for me lately because of allergies. It isnt about getting the sweat off my face, it is about itching my eyes and nose- they are nonstop itchy, even when I take an allergy pill. So I am reaching up to my face to itchy my eyes or nose several times during class. It is frustrating because I honestly cant help it. I cant use will power to not itch my eyes. I mean, I know I could, I could fight through it, but ugh, that requires a level of meditation that I am not capable of yet.

4 days left. My, now time flies.....

Day 53

Life has a way of fixing itself when you are in need. I've mentioned this before- the universe will provide. And I tried to keep that in the front of my mind over these past few gloomy, foggy days. Of course, my worries were addressed.

My friends are wonderful. Sometimes I forget, since they are so far away, but I know I am always in their hearts (as they are in mine) and though we may not talk for a while, the love is unconditional and beyond a necessary weekly phone call.

Sandra has a 6th sense, I swear. Class was full, and I went in feeling strong. I was giving each posture my all- not just going to where I am comfortable of capable. About half way through class, Sandra shared an antidote. She was at her recertification course this past week. On her 3rd day there, after having already participated in 3 classes, she could not make it through her 4th- she had to sit out, and eventually leave the room. It just goes to show that even someone who has been practicing (and certified!) for years has rough days. Nobody is perfect- we all have reoccurring "first days." While at first glance, this may be more of a depressing thought, it really lifted my spirits. She kept reminding us that as long as we are giving our all, we are successful. Listen to your body, and take it day by day. Bikram is not a practice that can be judged based on accumulated time. It is looked at on a daily basis- day by day- class by class- as individual instances.
Half moon is so uncomfortable for me. I am progressing very well at the back bending portion, as well as forward bending, but the side to side, crescent stretching (pictured above) is just plain uncomfortable. It is consistently uncomfortable from day to day. I go in with the mentality mentioned above- each day is different, so have no expectations- but no matter what mindset I have, I struggle with the side stretching. My body shakes, my inner area being squished together hurts, and my breathing is a mess. It is well known that the postures that are hardest for you are the ones that your body needs the most. I guess I need some more half moon in my life...!

OK, another insane busy day at work, I must go.

Day 52

I dont know what is up with my mood lately. I am so blaaaaah. I am eating anything and everything I see. I am tired all the time. I am not sad or upset, just... blah. Get me outta this funk, Bikram! I am pretty sure it is still tied to the "almost-birthday-blues, i-miss-my-friends-blues, and what-am-i-doing-with-my-life-blues." I am trying very hard to choose to be happy, cheerful, and optimistic, but it is like an epic battle in my soul. "Be happy! No, feel sorry for yourself! NO, I will NOT! I will be full and loving and compassionate towards all! Ha, yea right, another cranky day!" I am going to spend the rest of the day trying to wrangle my negative thoughts and get control of my thoughts and feelings.

Class last night was OK. It is funny- whenever there is a new student, they somehow always end up next to or behind me. I always get this feeling of being their teacher-by-example. It is weird. It almost motivates me to do my absolute best so they can feel the positive energy exuding from me and take hold of that and use it. I am strange, I know.

As far as the physical aspect of my practice goes, I think I could give more. Sometimes I find myself getting too comfortable with the postures and where I am. I give 100% effort, but I need to give more. I definitely do on some postures, but others only get enough effort to get me by. I need to focus, especially over these last 8 days, on giving every little bit of strength I have. I am not going to die. I may be sore, but I will be OK. I need to push myself. I think I need a pep talk. I am glad Sandra is coming back today. I feel comfortable looking for strength in her.

Day 51

I'm sorry if yesterdays post came off rude. I was having a slightly cranky day (hey, they are allowed, from time to time...) and was just feeling a bit off. I think I was taking it way too personally that some are underestimating this challenge. But I am not doing it to make others say "wow, she is awesome, look at what she can do!" I am doing it for me. So again, sorry for the rant. It happens.

I went into today's class, as I mentioned, feeling very cranky and off. I was having a very grumpy, unfocused, sad day- definitely the result of a "what the hell am I going to do with my life" day. I was feeling sick to my stomach (hmmm maybe I shouldn't have eaten nearly half a box of hot and spicy cheez-its...) and unfocused and just plain yuck. I somehow gathered the strength to make it through class without giving up or sitting out. I could definitely tell that I had been engaging my abdominal muscles yesterday! I tried to do it today, but it made the food baby in my tummy a bit unhappy.

I really enjoy Caroline. She is so uplifting and supportive. She never singles people out with praise or specific ways to improve. I am torn about whether I like this or not. I like that she treats the class as a whole an doesn't place the focus on any one single person. However, if I am doing something incorrect and need to tweak my form, I want to know! Either way, she is a brilliant teacher and I enjoy her class. I will miss her when she stops teaching evening classes!

So I noticed that I have not been speaking of individual postures as much lately. I think that is because the fluctuation from day to day is so significant. From day to day, my abilities range a great deal between postures. I have heard that this is very normal. Nonetheless, dissecting individual postures in each post seems silly since they are changing daily. Instead, I will probably do a quick run-down of how I feel I have improved in each posture as a whole at the end of the 60 days.

Day 50- only 10 left!

I want to being this post a bit differently. I would like to address something that perhaps I should have at the beginning of this journey. What is Bikram yoga? Now, I am not going to go into much detail here- if you really want to know (and I hope you do), you can do some simple research on your own, or read one of Bikram's books. I would mostly like to say what Bikram yoga is not. Many people have said to me, "Oh wow, it must be nice to go into a calm, dark room and meditate and relax for 90 minutes every day." Many assume that I am doing some fluffy, simple, relaxing, minimal effort practice. Many assume many things. Perhaps this is my fault for not educating my friends and family enough on my journey, or perhaps this is purely others not knowing about Bikram. Either way, I am slightly hurt that others would make such minimal assumptions about this challenge. There is nothing easy or fluffy about it. It has been such amazingly challenging and difficult journey, both physically and mentally. Bikram is so different from what many people see as yoga- it isnt slow, soothing, wind chimes and closed eyes. It is sweat, struggle, determination, focus, and strength. It is giving everything you have. It is changing your body and challenging your mind. It is digging up every bit of motivation you can, and leaving everything in that room. It is hard. It is difficult. It is a challenge. So please, I encourage you to find out more about Bikram. No more assuming. (It is funny- I write this in hopes of opening the minds of so many, yet those who need the guidance are most likely not going to read this... what a shame.)

OK, rant over.

Today I focused a lot on an element of the practice that I have managed to neglect over the past 50 days. I have not neglected it because I was unaware of it, but rather because I have been placing my focus on other aspects of my practice instead (ie locked knee, discipline, focus). I am really bad at engaging my abdominal muscles and sucking my stomach in. This is supposed to not only help build ab muscles, but it also helps support the spine and enhance the depth of postures. I have always had trouble distinguishing between sucking in my stomach and holding my breath- just something I have struggled with for a long time. I find it very hard to breathe when I engage my ab muscles, like my lungs cant fully inflate. So I am taking baby steps with this bit- just working on making sure I am not pushing out my stomach. It is amazing what a difference this makes in many of the postures- it makes them harder!

Other than that, class was lovely. Caroline was teaching again, and I really enjoy her. Also, as I am continuing to read Bikram's book and get a bit more in depth description of the postures, I am able to make sure my form is spot on. I am really determined to do this the right way- I am not in that room to make it easy or do it half assed. "The right way is the hard way."

I cant believe I only have 10 days left. Many of you have asked, and yes, I do plan to continue with Bikram once my challenge is over. Though I would love to continue on to a 90 day challenge, I cant. I am going out of town several weekends during June and July, so I will be unable to attend daily. But yes, I plan to continue on my Bikram journey. And I plan to continue it wherever the wind takes me this August. I must say- I am very ready to leave Nashville, but I am so sad to be leaving the Bikram Cool Springs studio. Why is it that after nearly 2 years of living here and being so unhappy, I finally just now find something that I enjoy? It is funny how life works out some times...

Day 46, 47, 48, and 49! Whew!

Sorry if these entries are a bit short and lacking in detail. Again, another busy weekend- I didnt get a chance to update until just now. Enjoy!

Day 46: We had a guest teacher today, Connie. She is one of the Memphis teachers. I was really excited to talk with her before class. I told her that I may be moving to Memphis, and we talked about the studio there for a while. She was so nice! Class went well. I was still very focused on my correctly locked leg. Nothing too exciting to share from this class.

Day 47: Early Saturday morning class, ugh! It is tough to drag myself out of bed, but I always feel wonderful after class, so I make myself. Well, today was a bit different. Connie was teaching again. There were 25 people in class! That fills our tiny little studio to an uncomfortable limit. There was a very... odd energy flowing through the room. And there was a kid, about 15 years old, just behind me- it was her first time, and she kept flailing. It was extremely distracting. Several postures in, you could tell the entire class felt defeated. The heat was so extreme. I was dripping sweat like I never have. By the time we got to triangle, nearly the entire class was sitting out- only 2 people did the first set! Everyone else was either standing and panting or laying down and groaning. It was, without a doubt, miserable. Remember how I am so adamant on "every day can be a good day"? Yea, well, today was the exception. It was awful. 2 people left the room. Several were nearly throwing up. A majority sat out for most of the class- myself included. I just layed there, feeling worse than ever. During other classes when I felt yucky, it was usually for a reason that was within my control (I ate something bad, I was dehydrated, I was in a miserable mood), but this time, there was nothing I could do. All I could do was lay on my back and try to relax and force myself to breathe. The thermostat said 111 degrees when I left the room. After class, I spoke with the woman that was next to me, a woman that is amazing and has such fantastic discipline and form. She and I agreed that was the worst class either of us have been to. Hearing this coming from a weathered, respected, optimistic, non-complaining woman made me feel a bit better. Ugh.

Day 48: I was scared of Connie. I had planned to do a double on Saturday (I had to make up for missing a day when the studio was closed due to the flooding several weekends ago), but after that Saturday morning session, I was scared. On my drive home, I was trying to figure out when else I could make up that missed class. But then I thought to myself, "Why am I going to let her scare me? So what? It was hot, yes. It was tough, yes. But I can do it. Even if I just lay there for 90 minutes, I can do it. Dont let her get to you. She doesnt control me, my emotions, or my decisions. I can do it. Do it." So I sucked it up and went back again at 4pm for the evening class... and I am so glad I did! All in all, it was a great session.

There was however, another kid, this time 10 years old, right next to me. Again, major test of my focus. She was all over the place. She almost took me out several times. So here is my opinion of kids in Bikram... I think it is fantastic that parents want to get their children started early. I hope to share this practice with my children one day as well. However, I think you must prepare your children for what is to come. Tell them the heat will be extreme. Tell them there is no talking allowed. Tell them to take it slow and just do their best. Tell them to be careful. Tell them to be mindfull of others. Tell them to listen to the teacher and do do what she says- not following instructions may result in getting hurt! It is extremely disrespectful to bring your child in completely uninformed- not only to other students in the class, but to your child as well. This little girl was all over the places. She kept flapping her arms and shirt and saying "Mommy it is so hot!" She would spaz in and out of postures to an extent that I do not know how the child did not hurt herself- seriously. She was falling to the ground, and as I mentioned before, nearly knocking me over as she got bijiggity all over the place. It was terrible! The floor series was a bit better (since she couldnt fall everywhere). Yes, I am proud of her for being only 10 years old and making it through the full 90 minutes, but it was a disaster. So there is my opinion on childhood Bikram. Take it or leave it.

Day 49: Oh what a wonderful day! Caroline was teaching today. She usually teaches the morning sessions, so I have not yet had the joy of being her student. I will be honest- she was intimidating at first. She is very tall and very fit- she has a very demanding presence in a room. Nonetheless, I was looking forward to experiencing yet another new teacher. It was, by far, one of the best classes I have had thus far. (I love that I have said that several times... it just keeps getting better!) The heat didnt effect me one bit. In fact, I almost felt chilly several times. My postures were beautiful- not perfect, but my effort was spot on. My focus was amazing, and I was so incredibly disciplined. I felt such pride in my practice today. I left felling full and rejuvenated- and ready for the week. Thank you, Caroline!

Day 45

Bear with me, I have a lot to share, and I am in a chatty mood!

Again, it amazes me how drastically my practice can change from day to day. Today was wonderful. I spent a while reading Bikram's book before class, and I think that inspired me. I am at the part in is book where he begins explaining each posture, tips and pointers for success, and the benefits of each. Though I hear the instructions spoken at me every day, reading it made a bit more sense and helped me really think about what is happening in my body. (Just like in college- lectures go in one ear and out the other, but reading/writing makes it stick!)

Also, I spoke with Kate before class for a bit. I have been having some troubles with standing bow pulling pose. Well, I can do this posture very well when standing on my right leg and holding my left leg, but the opposite, standing on my left leg and holding my right leg, is a disaster. I cannot lock my standing left leg! I understand that our bodies are not perfect, they are not symmetric, but this drastic difference makes me wonder if there is error in my practice on this side. So I asked Kate for some advice on how to improve my standing locked leg. As we spoke, she pointed out that I have a tendency to hyper-extend my knees back as I attempt to lock them. She said that the key to locking your leg is to not necessarily push your knee back as far as it can go, but to keep it straight and the thigh muscle contracted. I do not do this. I push the knee back, and that is it. That is, I am sure, why my hamstrings have been so sore lately. So we spent a few minutes looking at my legs and practicing the difference between hyper-extension and locking the thigh. I found that whenever I try to contract my thigh, it shakes violently. I guess they need some work! After we discussed my legs, she asked me how long I have been practicing. I said, in a voice suggesting defeat and weakness, "45 days!" She laughed and said, "Ha, oh, don't you worry. It takes months, even years to perfect this practice! You are fine!" This comment really hit me. Ya know, it's true. I have only been doing this for 45 days. And sometimes I really beat myself up about "where I should be" at this point in my journey. I dont share it often, but deep down, I really do have expectations of myself and feel I should be progressing quicker. I mean, if you do something every single day, you have to get better at it, right? Well, Bikram yoga is different. I am changing my body- a body that has been set in its ways for 26 (almost 27, wow, yuck) years. 45 days is not nearly enough time to fix something that has been broken for almost 3 decades. IT TAKES TIME. And I must remind myself of this. In the big picture, I have done Bikram for such a minimal amount of time, of course I still need work! I really think a lot of my discouragement and desire to progress further comes from those that can hop into the studio and do everything perfect on their first day. Ya know what, SO WHAT?! Yea, good for you, but also, so what?! And people like this are so few and far between that I cannot let my focus and mid set revolve around these needle-in-a-haystack freaks. (OK that was harsh, I apologize.) But seriously, I am doing awesome, and I need to cut myself some slack. Thanks, Kate, for that little reality check. Much appreciated!

During the standing series, I paid 100% attention on my locked leg with contracted thigh, and made sure to not completely hyper-extend my knee. I didnt care how deep I went into the posture- I didnt push myself too hard- I really wanted to be sure I had the correct form. Most often, I was fine when balancing on my right leg- I was able to lock the leg using correct form. On my left leg, however, I had a much harder time doing it correctly. THEN, in standing separate leg with stretching, my thighs (on both sides) were shaking so violently I nearly fell over! I wasnt in pain, my thigh muscles must just be not use to such extended contraction. I look forward to continuing to improve my locked leg.

The rambling continues. I warned you.

During bow pose, I had a huge realization. It is funny how after doing something day in and day out, you all of a sudden realize you are doing something completely wrong. I have been using my legs, mostly my knees, to pull myself up. My knees were beginning to really hurt during this posture. And you know Bikram- you can mess with the Gods, but dont mess with your knees! I wasnt sure what I was doing wrong, but I knew something wasnt right. I was getting very deep into the posture, but it just didnt feel good, and my knees were not happy at me. Today, I suddenly realized that, duh, this is a back strengthening posture, use your back muscles, dummy! So I used my back rather than my legs to bow my body up, and, shocking, my knees didnt hurt. I cannot go nearly as far into the posture as I was able to before, but this is a perfect example of form over depth. I could continue to go deep into the posture for looks, but I would be hurting my body and doing more damage than good. OR I could take a step back, do it the new found correct way, and help my body. So, my progress in bow pose was drastically stunted, but well worth the alteration.

I have really begun to enjoy Kate's classes. Today she brought such peace to my mind and I had no trouble focusing or keeping a strict discipline. Also, during our final savasana, she sang a verse of Across The Universe. Of course, I teared up. She has a beautiful voice, and that song always brings out strong emotions- I love the words. She ended on a comment "Remember, nothing's going to change your world. You are the only one that can make that change." Just beautiful.

On my drive home, I smiled. As I got to the road just before my driveway, I had my windows down and the wind was blowing in, bringing the smell of honeysuckle. It brought me back to my childhood. The playground at Salem Drive, the elementary school I went to, was surrounded by honeysuckle. During the spring, the playground would always smell so good. This smell will always remind me of recess in 1st grade. What a beautiful way to end the day.

Day 44

It is funny how one day can be spot on, and the next can be the complete opposite. This session was tough. From the second I walked into the room, I just had a yucky feeling. For the entire 90 minutes, I felt like someone had a hot, wet towel over my face, making it impossible for me to breathe. I felt like I was going to suffocate, and for the first time ever, I felt extremely claustrophobic in that room. Even laying in savasana on my stomach during the back strengthening series was too much for me- I had to roll over onto my back. I sat out of several postures because I just felt like I couldn't breathe. It was such a strange feeling; I have never experienced this before. Also, I could not, for the life of me, focus. Everything was a distraction, and my mind was all over the place. I just wasn't feelin' it today... I dont know why...

Day 43

Spectacular session. For some reason, all of the pieces fell into place today- everything seemed to flow perfectly. The heat didnt seem to bother me at all- it usually doesnt, but I am often at least aware of the heat, even if it doesnt bother me all that much. Today, I wasnt even aware of the 105 degrees. My body felt ready and willing. It accepted postures openly, and allowed me to test my abilities. I focused a LOT on form today. I had this weird thought going through my head while focusing on form: If Bikram himself were watching me, what would he have me correct? I made many small self adjustments to ensure that I was practicing in a way that would make Bikram proud. I felt so confident and content with my practice.

Before class, I spoke with Sandra a bit about what motivated her to start practicing Bikram, and what encouraged her to become certified. We had a wonderful discussion, and I shared with her my nagging desire to become certified myself. She was thrilled with my determination and passion for Bikram. She shared some wonderful information with me and said I am welcome to ask any and all questions I may have for her about her practice or becoming certified. I hope to take her up on this- I have so many questions racing through my mind. I need to write them down.

I have many big decisions to make in my life. I have lived in limbo over the past 8 months- working a BS job in order to allow for time to finish my thesis, regain my focus, and figure out "what I want to be when I grow up." While I have accomplished one of those goals (thesis, whoo!), I still feel very lost as far as where I want to focus my life and where I should be heading next. I know we will be moving on August, but we still dont know where to (Memphis or Raleigh?)... I dont know where to start applying for jobs, or what jobs to go for. Do I go back into ABA? Do I stay in the field of Autism? Do I try something new? Do I get another BS job? I just dont know. I mean, I know that eventually I do want to resume working in the field of Autism, but I also have this ridiculous desire to pursue yoga.. as a career?! I just dont know. If I were to make the decision to becoming a yogi, August would be a perfect time to make this transition. But how would that effect my potential grad school applications? I want to apply for several programs this fall, but if I am doing Bikram 24/7, I may not have time to. Do I really want to go back to grad school? I do, but am I 100% ready? Do I just want to go for my license and practice at the MA level? So many questions bouncing around my head... It is like a mosh pit in my mind. I dont know what I want or when I want it. All I know is that I love Bikram, and I love helping children with Autism and their families. Now what?

Day 42

My hamstrings are sooooo sore! Yikes! How is it that 42 days into this, I am just recently feeling sore?
As I mentioned a couple days ago, I am loving Bikram's book. While there are some things I disagree with him about, there are many things I agree whole heartedly with.
I focused a lot on form today. I really want to be sure I am doing each posture 110% right so I can get the complete and full benefits (and be sure to not hurt myself).
Not really too much to share, I guess. Sorry for the boring entry!

Day 39, Day 40, and Day 41

It was a busy weekend, so I didn't get to update as often as I usually do...

Day 39: There is no greater compliment in the world than, "Beautiful Triangle, Amy!"

This posture is harder than it looks. Teachers always say it is the "ultimate posture, unity of the lungs, heart, and muscles, exercising every cell in the body." I am proud! The class as a whole was great- I felt like I was pushing myself a lot, and I was in great spirits. It was a wonderful session!

Day 40: On Saturday morning we went out to help a friend who's home was greatly effected in the flood. We spent several hours at his home, helping in any way we could. The scene was devastating. I was lucky enough to have no damage to my home during the flooding; I have seen a lot of coverage on the news, but have seen very little up close and personally. As we pulled into his community, my heart broke- it was shocking. Words cant even describe the scene- I thought of including a picture in this blog, but even that wouldn't do it justice. However, it was amazing how many people were there helping, supporting, and doing whatever they could to help these people in need. It was a sobering sight. I went to yoga right after we finished up helping, and it was almost like I could have used a debriefing session. I spent the whole 90 minutes thinking about what I saw, how tragic that must have been for those people, what else I can do to help, and how I would have tried to cope of that happened to me. It didn't help that I had barely had any water to drink all day, so I was beyond dehydrated, causing me to get extremely dizzy and nauseous. I was not in a good place, mentally or physically, and it showed. I sat out of several postures, and half-assed the rest. After class, I hadn't even made it to the car yet, and I broke down. I couldn't stop crying. I cried so hard it hurt. My heart was breaking for those people. And those emotions brought on so many other personal emotions, and I just cried.

Day 41: I felt much better on Sunday. I let myself be sad and process the emotions I was feeling on Saturday, and I took much better care of my body. I still struggled a bit- I feel like I have reached a plateau, both mentally and physically. I feel like I am getting worse in several postures. I am sure this happens often, and I am trying to not let it get to me, but it is a bit disappointing. But I also must remember that I have done so well over the past 40 days, and that I have come so far. Taking 1 step back is not going to bring me back to where I was 40 days ago. As always- I just need to listen to my body, but still give honest effort.

Day 38

I am really enjoying Bikram's book. I agree with a lot that he has to say. He is a very interesting man.

For some reason, the beginning of class was rough for me. I was dizzy, tired, and so terribly sore. I was falling out of postures, moving very slow, and unable to focus. It was very strange. I was beginning to feel slightly defeated, but was trying my best to just listen to my body and stay focused in the moment. Before we began the back strengthening series, Sandra said "We are going to try something different today- bear with me here." Usually the series goes as follows: we do each posture (cobra, locust, full locust, bow) twice in a row, with a savasans between. However, this time, we would do 1 of each, back to back, all in a row, then a long savasana. Then we would repeat the sequence. We did the same for the next series (fixed firm, half tortoise, camel, rabbit) as well. I enjoyed it. It was a nice change on a day when I was already feeling defeated and weak. However, I wonder if this is method brings the same benefit as the traditional series- I wonder if it is true certified Bikram. Either way, for that specific day and time, I was grateful for the slight variation.

I am trying very hard to incorporate my Bikram focus, values, discipline, and relaxation techniques into my daily life. I get worked up and upset very easily- it doesnt happen often, but it happens quickly and easily. I am hoping my Bikram practice will lessen this. Bikram has already helped with many other aspects of my life that I have no doubt it will... it just may take time.

Day 37

I believe in the power of Bikram yoga. I believe it has the power to heal and improve your body and soul. However, there is a lot of skepticism (as there should be) about the validity of this yoga and the sincerity that drives Bikram Choudhury to spread his technique. Some feel he is a con-man who is just out to brainwash others and take money from them. Other are firm believers and follow him with determination and trust. I am on the fence. I have experienced first hand the power of this practice and I believe in the practice itself, yet I am skeptical as to just why it costs so much to become Bikram certified and why there is such a cult-like, pyramid scam stigma attached to Bikram himself. So in order to get a clearer picture of the whole idea, I started reading "Bikram Yoga: The Guru Behind Hot Yoga Shows the Way to Radiant Health and Personal Fulfillment." It is a book written by Choudhury that explains his story and the rational behind the postures. Of course it is going to be a biased view, as it is written by Choudhury himself, but I still am very interested in finding out just why Bikram yoga is so powerful and how it has the ability to change lives. I am only still in the introduction, but I am looking forward to seeing his direct point of view and learning how to make the most of this experience. I am glad, however, that I waited to begin this book until after my 30 day challenge. This way, I am not a victim of the power of suggestion- I had a pure, uninfluenced mind going into my challenge, and I was able to experience the change and impact for myself- not because I was "supposed to" be feeling it. However, I think now is a good time to read it- it will help me make the most of the last 20 days I have in my now 60 day challenge. In his book, he explains what to focus on in each posture and what you can do to gain the maximum benefits while in each. I have enjoyed the book so far, and am excited to continue reading.

Anyway- about yesterday's practice. Wonderful class. I have really enjoyed getting to know the people at the studio. They are, for the most part, wonderful people. There is one older man (the one who shared the amazing thought: "95% of life is just showing up.") that struggles through class every day- but always does it with a smile and determination. Him and I talked for a bit and shared our stories. He is a wonderful man, and a true inspiration. I also talked with another girl about the difference between Bikram and Weight Watchers (as we are both WW graduates)- an interesting comparison, and an interesting conversation. One thing I do not enjoy is those students that complain. There are a few people that spend the last few minutes before class complaining about the practice. Their topic of choice yesterday: how awful the Memphis studio is. Now, as a potential resident of the city of Memphis, I was initially interested in what they were saying. However, they were, of course, complaining. "There were so many people! It was so hot! They wouldn't let us talk!" Ok, really? REALLY? You are complaining about the heat?! I just ignored those ridiculous complaints, but it went further- "They wouldn't let us drink water whenever we wanted, we could only do it when they said we could. And we couldn't wipe sweat! I mean really, not wipe sweat? They said it is a waste of energy and distracts the people next to you. I think that is so stupid, I can do what I want!" Now, more than ever, I am starting to dislike the overly-relaxed, lack of discipline that our studio holds. As I have discussed several times, I have really enjoyed these new guidelines, and I think they have dramatically improved my practice. I think if other people were less critical and more open to these ideas, they would find the same improvement. It got me thinking about the negativity that so many people display. Complaining is such a common practice for so many people (especially in America). It is a way to break silence and 'bond' with others. I would be a liar if I said I never complain, but I try my hardest to keep my complaining to a minimum, and only do it at appropriate times to appropriate people. I don't do it to a room full of people who don't care and may not appreciate the negative comments. I found it very rude for these women to have this discussion in the studio, just minutes before we began. I think the Memphis studio sounds like a place I would enjoy, and I look forward to the possibility that I will move there and begin practicing there- I look forward to the increased structure. I will continue to follow these guidelines and improve my practice. If these ladies choose to enter class filled with negative energy and a complete lack of discipline, that is their choice. I am just determined to get the most out of those 90 minutes every day as I can.

On another note, something happened yesterday that filled me with such complete happiness. A friend of mine, as a result of this blog and my practiced, has decided to embark on a 30 day challenge of her own. I think it is fantastic that I have inspired her and rekindled her love for Bikram. To you, my friend, I wish you the best of luck on your journey, and I look forward to hearing about your experience!

I am so happy!

Day 35

One day without Bikram and it was rough getting back into it. My body doesnt usually have time to get sore since I practice every day. But missing Sunday allowed my body to feel the effects of my Saturday morning session. As I have mentioned, it isnt a painful, unbearable, cant-walk sore. It is a good sore. I am aware of my body and muscles, and I can feel the strength I am gaining. It is a good sore, I enjoy it. Nonetheless, it makes the next session a tiny bit harder. I still did well and pushed myself. I have been trying really hard to push myself as much as I can lately. Not to the point of pain or frustration, but just trying to give 110% effort at all times.

My balance is not great. I wobble a lot. I mean, I have always been a terribly clumsy person, but I was never so aware of my lack of balance. During the balancing series, I am all over the place. I am constantly swaying, re-centering myself, and feeling my balancing foot switching for toe pressure to heel pressure to left side pressure and so on.

I love camel pose. It makes me feel so good. I enjoy the feeling that rushes through my body during the savasana after this posture. I love the feeling of vulnerability I have in this pose- I love it because it is the one place, the one time when I am OK with feeling completely vulnerable and open to the world.

Day 34

What a weekend... I went to the 8:30 session on Saturday morning. I will be honest- I dont remember any specifics of the session because my mind has been elsewhere the past 2 days. The flooding in Nashville is horrific. So many homes were lost, roads closed, people hurt... it is heartbreaking. I obviously did not make it to my Sunday session. I will make it down today, and make up the missing session next weekend, but I am not too concerned.