Day 33

Friday. 4:00 pm. Beautiful day out. Beer in the fridge. Go to yoga? Yea, Friday's are always the hardest. After a long week, it takes a lot of energy to bring myself to the studio. I am always, however, very grateful for my decision to stick with it and practice. I always leave with a smile and a happy heart... and that is a beautiful way to start my weekend!

I am really proud of the progress I am making in toe stand pose:

I can usually get into the posture with my feet, but I am very wobbly and cant bring my hands to the center- I keep them down on the floor at my sides holding me up. Today, for about 3 seconds, I got them to the center! I was so proud- I think that is why I fell out! I love seeing progress!

Day 32

I really enjoy many of the people that take classes at this studio. I had the pleasure of talking with a few of them before and after class, and they are such wonderful people. I was even able to offer one a "much needed pep talk." There was a very happy vibe throughout the room last night- even Sandra commented on it.

I went into class a bit cranky- I had a bunch of errands to run before class which got me a bit flustered and irritated. I got to class about 15 minutes early and had just enough time to finish 'Eat, Pray, Love' before I had to get inside to change. I am very grateful that I had the time to do this, because it really brought me out of my traffic-fighting, cant-find-what-I-need-at-the-store, "no-you-cant-return-that-item-without-a-receipt" rage. It is such a beautiful book; if you have not read it, please do. So I was able to salvage my mood and go into class with a more positive mindset.

Happy Friday!

Day 31

First of all, I want to thank you all for your praise and comments regarding the completion of my 30 day challenge. You all have filled my heart with such joy, and I love each and every one of you for it.

I am going to share something one of my wonderful friends wrote to me in response to my journaling because it really touched me. "...the blog as a whole is a great expression of the general ups and downs of life that we all go through...sometimes I get too narrowly focused on my own problems and I start feeling sorry for myself--but eventually I remember that everyone has problems and everyone has ups and downs, and knowing that helps a lot to keep things in perspective. This blog is a good reminder of that." I have beautiful people in my life.

Yesterday was a true test of my focus. There were many people I did not recognize- people that dont come regularly or are new to our studio. To my left: Miss I-refuse-to-put-my-hair-up-so-instead-I-will flip-it-around-in-the-most-obnoxious-manner-possible. To my right: Miss I-drop-the-eff-bomb-during-every-posture-and-throw-a-hissy-fit-ever-30-seconds. In front of me: Miss I-refuse-to-listen-to-the-teacher-and-I-am-going-to-do-whatever-I-want-and-flop-around-like-a-fish-on-the-sand-and-flail-my-arms-around-constantly. If the combination of those three ladies doesnt offer complete distraction, I dont know what would. I am proud at how well I managed to keep focus on myself (while hair, arms, and profanity was being thrown across the room like a game of dodge ball). I did well. But I did think about something quite a bit during these 90 minutes with these 3 strange ladies... These 90 minutes are 90 minutes of pure mindlessness. I mean that in the fact that for 90 minutes straight, I do not have to think. I can listen to the teacher- she tells me exactly what to do. Every move to make. I dont have to think one bit, except about my inhale and exhale. This is a welcome break from the race my mind runs daily. So here is my thought- why would you go in there and not listen? Not only is this potentially harmful (do the postures wrong and you can hurt yourself!), but it is distracting to others to have you flail, and it is disrespectful to the teacher. And why would you blow off this perfect opportunity to turn off your mind and let someone else do the thinking for you for a bit? If you dont need to listen, why come? If you think you know how to do it so well, why do you need a teacher? Why not stay home and do it on your own?

Well hello there, Thursday morning rant. How are you?

30 DAYS!

I did it. I really did it. 30 days. 90 minutes. 105 degrees. 26 postures. I did it.

As we were pulling into the studio last night, the Rocky theme song came on. We laughed as we got "pumped" for our last class. I had the song stuck in my head the whole time. It made me giggle.

Class was wonderful. My discipline and focus are improving incredibly. My breathing is calm and rhythmic. While the physical improvement is not coming as quickly, I am OK with this slower progress. I am so happy with how far I have come over the past 30 days.

So, the question is- Do I go for 60 days? I can easily answer YES. I am really enjoying Bikram, and to stop now would leave me feeling empty. I know I can make it another 30 days. As I have mentioned before- the lack of social life I have experienced during this time is well worth the sacrifice. A day without Bikram feels incomplete. It has calmed me mentally, and helps me meditate and work through any stress or troubles I may be harboring. So, 60 days it is!

I took before and after pictures. Unfortunately, I was not as pleased with the comparison as I had hoped. Therefore, during the next 30 days, I am really going to focus on a strict high protein, low(ish) carb, low sugar menu. I wouldn't call this a diet- it is more of a complimentary food lifestyle. I want to make the most of the physical benefits of Bikram. So I am just going to be a bit more conscious of what I eat- which honestly shouldn't take too much work. I already eat very well, but there is always room for improvement. So, needless to say, you don't get to see the before and after pictures... yet. Maybe after 60 days!

Of course I cried. Did you really think I wouldn't?! Before the final breathing exercise, Sandra and the class congratulated Sarah and I on our accomplishment. It was a wonderful feeling to have the room note our response. It is always such a supportive, team feeling in that studio- I just love it. During the final savasana, I couldn't stop smiling. My face hurt from smiling. I cried out of joy. I did it. I really did it. This is a huge accomplishment in my life. Physically. Mentally. In so many ways. I let go of so many anxious and neurotic tendencies. I am very calm. I wish I could even begin to explain the changes that have taken place over the past 30 days, but I simply cant find the words. As I layed there, smiling big, tears filling my eyes, I kept saying "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for bringing me here." I don't know who I was thanking.

So there ya go. 30 days of Bikram. I hope I didn't bore you all too terribly. I really enjoyed writing about my experience. I enjoyed your comments and thoughts. I hope to keep writing during the next 30 days, so please keep reading!

Namaste.

29 in/ 1 out

Ya know, it's interesting- it is so easy to ruminate on negative things, while sweeping positive things under the table and ignoring them. Yesterday, just before class, I was unexpectedly reminded of an epic failure in my life (this reminder came from none other than an advertisement in a bathroom stall, how nice). It sent me into a miserable downward spiral of analyzing my failures and feeling like a complete mishap and disappointment, thinking of what a letdown my life has been over the past 2 years. I got into a real funk. I went into class with a twisted mindset- "Oh yea? Well, I completely failed at that, but look what I can do! I can do Bikram! Ha! Take that! Jerks!" I went through class like I had something to prove; like I needed something to show redeem myself. I pushed myself really hard, which in theory would be good, but it was all stemming from negative energy, a 'look what I can do' energy. I dont like to be motivated by negative energy. I dont like to feel determined as a means of proving myself. It was all I could think about. With about 20 minutes left in class, I felt defeated. But then something clicked, and I forced myself to begin listing positive accomplishments in my life. With every breath I took, I would inhale a positive thought and exhale a negative thought. Before I knew it, I was laughing inside at some of the positive thoughts that came to mind: I have stellar friends. My cat is adorable and a complete mess. I have the most beautiful, perfect niece in the world. I am really good at organizing. I have nice ankles. I was blessed in a fairy glenn in Scotland. I recycle. The list went on and on and on and on.... and on. I have so many things to be proud of. I have accomplished some truly beautiful things in my life. Yea, there have been failures. And yes, these failures have changed the course of my life... but... perhaps for the best? If I hadnt have come to Nashville and had all of this insanity, maybe I wouldnt have met Sandra and practiced Bikram at her studio. I began changing my 'look what I can do- ha!' thoughts into 'look, I CAN do this!' The universe will provide, and the world unfolds itself in very strange ways. So after the last 20 minutes of class and many many positive thoughts flooding my mind and body and soul, I was overwhelmed with emotion. In our last restorative savasana, I cried. I have so much to be thankful for. And while these failures have been tremendous turning points in my life, perhaps the turned me in the right direction...

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. [R.W.E.]

Today is the last day. 30 days. What a wild trip this has been...

28 in/ 2 out

I feel wonderful. I mean, besides this nagging glass-swallowing feeling in my throat. Putting that aside- I feel wonderful! I have said it before, but I will say it again- I am so very happy with how my Bikram practice is going. I love my progress. I love my focus. I love my breathing. I love my determination. I love my inability (yes, my inability). I love my soul. I love my strength. I am not perfect, and I love that. I struggle, and I love that. I fall out of postures, and I love that. I love that I am trying so hard and I am giving 110% every day to something that benefits my heart and soul. I am happy.

I am still battling with my locked legs. My right leg has gotten much better. I am able to kick out juuuuuust a bit during standing head to knee pose on my right side, and I am able to balance for a significant amount of time during standing bow pulling pose on my right side. The left side, eh, not so much. I am still focusing 100% on getting that leg locked and keeping it locked. I never thought this would be such a struggle for me. Metaphor time: I need a solid, concrete, firm foundation from which to build on, and at this time, it is lacking. I need to dig my roots deeper, find the strength to hold myself tall and strong. I will continue to work on my locked knee (on both sides, as I love seeing my slow, snails pace progress on my right side) and continue to work on my physical and mental foundation.

On a MUCH funnier note: I have really been focusing on NOT wiping sweat the past few days. It bothers me a lot and thinking about not wiping my face makes me even more aware of the tickle, trickle, annoying little drips rolling down my face, AH! So today I was really focused, almost repeating a mantra of "drip sweat, it's ok to drip sweat." So, of course, in my awful fantastical mind, that eventually turns into "lemmie see ya drip sweat" from that wonderfully disgusting and derogatory song 'Play' by David Banner. So there I am, in a room with about 25 other people, trying my best to focus and meditate, and all I can do is giggle to myself and sing that song in my head. Awful, I know. Of all songs to get stuck in my head. And ya know when you try to NOT think of something, you think of it even more and can NOT get it out of your head?? Yeah. Great. And you are very welcome for getting it stuck in your head now also...

26 in/ 4 out AND 27 in/ 3 out

I made it to class on Friday. Still felt pretty awful and was ready to take it easy, but somehow did pretty well. I went again on Saturday morning, but was feeling pretty blah- I sat out a good bit of the last 30 minutes. My body was just not having it, and I didnt want to push too hard. I spent the rest of yesterday sleeping and being lazy, hoping to kick this funk.

I woke up this morning feeling just plain awful. It hasnt progressed like a usual cold- usually it starts out with the sore throat and body aches, then turns into stuffy nose and upper respiratory congestion. But the fever, aches, and sore throat have been the main symptoms. And not just any sore throat- the evil stabbing swallowing-glass type of sore throat. No fun at all. I am still going to get to the 4pm class and just take it slow. I really want my body to heal. I dont want to completely stop doing Bikram, though, because I think the heat helps, as well as removing these toxins from my body. So if anything, the Bikram is good for me- I just dont want to push my body past its limit.

Only 3 sessions left in this 30 day challenge... Wow.

25 in/ 5 out

...aaaaaaaaand I'm sick. Around 11am yesterday, it hit me. Fatigue, sore throat, fever, body aches, the whole shabang. I went into yoga thinking I would just take it easy and spend more time laying in savasana than usual. However, I did quite well. I was impressed with how capable I was. I would say to myself, "Ok, now, you dont need to really push yourself. You are allowed to take it easy. This isnt about can or cannot, this is about listening to my body. So take it easy, self, and you will be fine." I actually only sat out of 1 pose- the 1st lotus. I was really proud of myself.

I woke up this morning feeling even worse. I dont know how I got sick. I take such good care of myself- taking vitamins (multi, C, and glucosamine) every single day, I am sleeping very well, and I am eating healthy (well, for the most part, minus the donuts the past 2 days). But, alas, it has happened. I am going to try to go to class today (because the thought of doing a double while sick makes me a bit weepy) and do exactly what I did yesterday. Or maybe just sleep in that nice warm room...

My progress isnt paramount. I actually find myself going not as deep into poses lately, as I am focusing much more on form. My determination to be able to lock my knees is showing. My hamstrings are sore (good sore, not bad painful sore) every day, and I am focusing 100% of my attention towards keeping my knees locked during the balancing series. This means I have definitely backed off in poses like standing bow pulling and tree. "If you haven't locked the knee, the pose hasnt even started yet." I WILL succeed. I am ok with backing off on the postures a bit. I want to do this the right way- I am not one of those people that will do something wrong just to make it look like I am more capable. It takes time, and I have time, so I want to do this the right way.

Happy Friday =)

24 in/ 6 out

Happy Earth Day!

Last night was nothing spectacular, really. It was a fine class, I just felt a bit off. Probably because I ate 2 pieces of cake and a donut. And I wonder why I have not lost any weight during the past 27 days. In fact, my pants are almost fitting tighter. Oh well. Can't win 'em all!

Nothing too spectacular to share about this last session. I was just very sleepy and feeling a bit off (all day, not sure why) and that definitely translated into my practice. I am hoping today will be a bit more energetic.

Have a beautiful Earth Day- and remember, EVERY DAY is Earth Day, so treat your planet with respect!

23 in/ 7 out

I love my studio and I adore my teacher, Sandra. Yet, after talking with Carrie about some of the "rules" at her studio, I realized our studio is a bit more... relaxed than others. I talked in yesterdays entry about how I feel my discipline has improved, and I still believe this is true. However, in this 23rd session, I tried to add in a few bits that are apparently a must in other studios, in order help improve discipline.

1) Water breaks: Hydration is extremely important when practicing Bikram. I drink about 120 ounces of water throughout the day before class. But during class, you cannot drink freely. You cannot take your first sip of water until after eagle pose, then it is "party time." Sandra says after "party time" that you can drink as you wish throughout the rest of class, just not during postures- only between postures. In the beginning, I was taking a sip after each posture- I was dying for some H2O. As time went on, I began taking less and less breaks, averaging about 5 or 6 a session. However, truth be told, only 2 or 3 water breaks are allowed during class: after eagle, before fixed firm, and at the end. So I gave this a try yesterday. I did fine! Only 3 water breaks in 90 minutes! I think my success with this new discipline is due to my comfort with calm correct breathing. I dont open my mouth at all the entire class (except for pranayama breathing in the beginning, pictured below). When you breathe through your mouth, you loose moisture, thus trying your mouth and body out, and making you crave/need water. Since my breathing been spot-on, my need for water has decreased. Right on.


(Pranayama breathing: Hands together, under your chin. Breathe in through your nose and bring your elbows up to your ears. Deep breath, 6 seconds. Then exhale through your mouth, with a nice hhhhhaaaaaa sound, for 6 seconds. While exhaling, bring your elbows together, and lean your head back, keeping your back straight. Repeat this several times. Give it a try. It is extremely calming- and makes you realize how little of your lung capacity you actually use.)

2) Movement between postures: I am a sweat wiper. I cant stand the feeling of sweat dripping down my face or back or arms. I cant stand when sweat goes in my eyes, ears, or nose. I constantly wipe sweat from my face after each posture set. However, this is poor technique. You are supposed to stay completely still when not in postures. No sweat wipe. Not at all. Yikes. So I gave this a go yesterday and was moderately successful. I tried my absolute hardest to not move between postures, and to not wipe sweat. There were about 5 or 6 times when I was about to go insane and had to wipe my face, but I believe I did quite well. You try to work out for 90 minutes in 105* heat and not be bothered by sweat. But you know I like my metaphors, symbols, and signs: the little things always bother me! I need to let go, focus on the bigger goal, and overlook such insignificant speed bumps. Overcoming these little things can increase your discipline tremendously.

3) 3...2...1... Savasana: After each posture during the floor series (there are 12 standing/balancing postures, then the rest are on the floor), we lay in savasana. I have mentioned this posture before, but never really explained it. It is also called dead body pose, and very rightly so. You lay on your back, heels together, feet apart, arms by your side, hands up, throat choaked, and you do... not... move! We do this restorative resting posture for about 10-15 seconds between each posture in the floor series- it sounds easy, but it can be a challenge. Sitting absolutely still (kinda like the previous battle with sweat wiping) and relaxing your entire body is tough for a busy-body like me. Now, at my studio, we are allowed to take as long as we need to get into savasana. However, the accurate transition from posture to savasana is 3 seconds. This allows adequate time for your body to rest and return your blood flow to normal. So I gave this a try yesterday. I did fine. It isnt really a challenge to do it, and it isnt that I was taking ages to get into savasana before- but having this strict guideline just increased my discipline and made me more aware of my movements. I actually really liked including this guideline into my practice.

So there ya go- 3 new guidelines to improve my discipline. It just goes to show- Bikram is all about learning as you go, improving on what you have done so far, and focusing. Wait, isnt that what LIFE is all about?

22 in/ 8 out

I am really proud of myself. I am really proud of how disciplined and focused I have become in my practice over the past 22 days. I am proud- and I am happy to feel this pride.

Yet another lovely class yesterday. Ya know, I talked about this before. People say "not every day can be great." Yet again, I ask you- why not? There may be days when things may be a bit off- dizzy, hungry, thirsty, sleepy, etc- but that does not mean it still cant be a great class. Going in with an open mind and positive attitude, and leaving with a smile and knowing I did the best I could with what I was given is all I need to have a wonderful session. So in my opinion, every day can be a good day.

Lets talk about the cobra series, shall we? This is a series of several postures that focus on healing and strengthening your back. I really enjoy this series, and I am extremely proud of my progress in these postures.

1) Cobra

2) Locust (first we do just the right leg, then just the left leg, then both, resulting in this posture)

3) Full Locust

4) Bow

This series can be very intimidating, but I have grown to really enjoy it. I feel great after I complete the series. These postures, for me, bring the most challenging breathing. It is hard to keep breathing normally when laying on your stomach, with pressure on your chest, or lifting your chest up so dramatically. You can do 80/20 breathing (only breathing with 20% of your lung capacity), but sometimes that makes me very dizzy. So I have focused on keeping my breath normal, and I have done well.

21 in/ 9 out

The past few sessions have been so beautiful- I am so thankful for having 4 really good sessions in a row. And I really enjoy morning sessions for 1 specific reason: the drive home. Windows down, feeling the cold breeze on my sweaty (wet, yuck) body, but the bright sun warms the chills brought on by the fresh air. I get to pick a nice song to play, or I just listen to the wind as I cruise up 65 North. I enjoy the 15 minute drive- it gives me some time to process the session and think about, well, nothing. I always smile the entire drive back.

So one thing was a bit strange about todays session. Now let me preface this antidote- I have done a tremendous job of focusing my attention and energy on myself during class. I have done a great job of pushing the abilities of others out of my mind and focusing on what I am doing. Today, however, there was a distraction I could not overcome. The woman next to me was moaning, groaning, making orgasm noises with every exhale. Mmmmmhhhhhhaaa, oooohhhhhh, yeaaaaaaaa, mmmmmmmmmmmhhhhh.... Seriously? The first time she did it, I looked over thinking maybe she had fallen and was making a concerned moan. But alas, no, she was actually making orgasm noises with each exhale. It was like someone had a porn on in the background. I giggled a bit to myself at first, but after about 15 minutes of her sexual groaning, I started getting a bit irked. She would take a deep inhale, hold her breath or 5-6 seconds, then exhale with a tremendous "mmmmmhhhhhhhuuuuu." Wow. She even started doing it during savasana towards the end. Yea, thats hard to ignore.

Another random thing- my arms and legs kept falling asleep and getting tingly today. I think it was because I was not hydrated enough. I barely drank any water yesterday (as I was too busy laying on a blanket in the sunshine listening to Bela) and though I dont know the actual physiological connection, I think that may have caused this strange tingling sensation. Who knows.

My hamstrings were KILLING me when I woke up this morning; I guess I pushed myself further than I thought yesterday. It is a good feeling though, because I know they are on their way to healing. It made several postures a bit harder today because it would kind of hurt to lock my standing leg. But I did the best I could without causing too much pain. Two of the postures that I have been really pushing myself in that stretches my hamstrings a lot are hands to feet (below; "you look like a japanese ham sandwich from the side, no gaps anywhere") and standing separate leg stretching pose (picture a few entries below). The combination of these two have helped me strengthen my hamstrings a lot, which will help in postures that require a locked knee.

Kate was teaching today. She kept repeating the phrase "just be" during each posture. I liked it.

20 in/ 10 out.

Saturday = 8:30am session = going to bed very early on a beautiful spring Friday night.

During the past 20 days, my social life has really been put on hold. I go to work, go to yoga, eat, and sleep. That's about it. As Brandon came home from a fun night out with friends at 3am last night (err, this morning, I guess), I wondered if this social sacrifice has really been worth it. Immediately, I answered myself with a firm YES. Though I am missing out on some potentially fun times with the people I know here in Nashville, I dont regret choosing yoga over a social life. It isnt like I am really missing out on all that much anyway- I only have a handful of friends here that I enjoy spending time with, and those friends understand my priorities right now. So my social butterfly tendencies have had to take a back burner, I wouldnt trade this experience for the world. (And at the risk of sounding way too old for my age- I dont miss the hang overs.)

I have really enjoyed the past few days of Bikram. Again, this morning was spectacular. I started out a bit slow and sleepy, not sure I would be able to make it through the whole class without sitting out a pose or two. I would say to myself "Just get through this one, then you can sit the next out." But then I realized that by planning to sit out, I was only setting myself up to fail. So I gave myself a quick 5 second mental pep-talk- "You can do this. You have done this for 19 days in a row. You dont NEED to sit out, you dont NEED to take a break. You CAN do this!" And I did. And not only did I complete the class without sitting out, I had a killer cobra series. My locust was the best it has been thus far.

On a random note, I realized that I hold a lot of tension in my face. Every time I caught my eye in the mirror, I was squinching my eyes or creasing my forehead- not out of strain or from holding my breath (I have actually done a great job of breathing correctly and not straining during postures), but I guess I just tend to hold stress or tension in my face. I focused a lot on relaxing my face during the last 30 min of the class- after all, I dont want wrinkles, do I!?

Now I get to go to the Earth Day Festival and see Bela Fleck- what a beautiful Saturday!

19 in/ 11 out

Really? Only 11 days left? Wow.

Beautiful session today. Very calm vibe flowing through the room. Just lovely. I feel great.

Home now, showered, had enough time to actually cook myself a nice dinner (sautéed chick peas, kidney beans, onion, tomato, and pine nuts with some valentina- mmmm), curled up on the couch, and about to settle down with my book.

Om Namah Shivaya.

I honor the divinity that resides within me.

18 in/ 12 out

I believe in signs and symbols. I believe the Universe will provide, and will find a way to guide you in the direction you are meant to go.

Last night, I got in my car to leave class. I put my iPod on shuffle. My windows were down so it was a bit windy and loud, so I couldnt really hear the music- I missed a song or two. When I got myself situated, I turned the volume up and was finally able to hear what was playing- it was When You Come Back Down by Nickle Creek. It was at the very beginning, cued up to the lyric "you've got to chase a dream, one that's all your own, before it slips away."

Enough said.

Class yesterday was lovely. Absolutely wonderful. It was a very small class, which I enjoy. For some reason, everyone chose to pay their mats in the back row (the studio has room for 2 rows, front and back) but I really like the front row (I dont wear my glasses or contacts because sweat gets in my eyes so much, so I cant see myself well enough in the mirror to balance if I am in the back row!), so I was the only one in the front. It was like I had a class all of my own. Nobody on either side of me- I was 100% free from distractions, 100% able to focus on myself. I did well. I felt wonderful. I had fun.

My hamstrings are still terribly unflexible and stiff- getting better, but still extremely stiff. I modify several postures to focus primarily on the building blocks of getting into the full posture- "strong, locked legs, no knee, no bending, like a lamp post." Afterall "without the locked knee, you do not get the benefits of this posture- whether you do it 1% or 99%, you must lock the knee, lock the knee, lock the knee." I always struggle with the simple task of locking my knees- it hurts. It is getting much better, but several postures require specific focus to just lock my knees. Like this one: standing seperate leg stretching pose (below). My head is not even close to the gound. I am focusing 100% on getting my legs locked and comfortable. I am OK with where I am at, in both this posture and all others.

I stuck around and talked with Sandra a bit after class about the possibility of going for 60 days...

17 in/ 13 out

Last night was lovely. I enjoyed being in class. I felt much better than I had on Tuesday, and I was very focused and able to clear my mind and be in the moment. I am really looking forward to today's session, and it is only 8:30am.

So I have only been doing Bikram for 17 days now, but I feel that it has become a huge part of my life. It has changed my life already in such a short amount of time. My desire to continue with Bikram grows with each day closer to the end of my 30 day challenge. I don't want to stop. A friend of mine said something so simple, yet it made such an impact on me: "Amy, you don't have to stop." She is right- I don't. I am pretty much decided that I am going to go for it and try for 60 days, but even that seems to be just not enough.

Here is my 7 year old rant of what I want to be when I grow up. I want to go back to school and get my PhD. I do. I truly, honestly, deeply do. But......... I want to do yoga. Not just do yoga.... I want to teach yoga. Not just yoga... Bikram. I want to be a Bikram teacher. I want to go to to Las Vegas, spend 9 weeks training with Bikram Choudhury, and become a certified Bikram teacher. I want to make this a permanent part of my life. Am I crazy? Am I just indulging my imagination in a temporary obsession? Am I just searching for something to DO with my life? I don't know. I want to get my PhD, but I want to be a yogi- can I be both? Why not. Who says I cant do both? Writing it here makes it feel more like just a magical, silly little journal entry- a girl can dream, right? I have not voiced these thoughts out loud or shared them with anyone yet. For some reason, writing about it makes it less of a serious consideration and more of just a silly thought that will pass. And maybe it will pass. But what if it doesn't...?

I am a complete research nerd. Could I use my knowledge of Bikram and mix it with my studies in psychology during my PhD program? Is this way too nerdy and far-fetched? I have a perfect study outlined in my head exploring the benefits of Bikram... a controlled, empirical study... my mind has been racing with thoughts...

I just don't know...

16 in/ 14 out

A bit of a blah day- the whole day in general. I was just in a yuck mood- all I wanted to do was go play in the sunshine and read. Everything anyone said to me would make me mad or offend me, and I probably should have just put some headphones in and gone into my own world. Oh well.

I knew from the beginning that it was going to be a rough session. I felt dizzy the minute I stepped into the studio heat, and that usually doesnt happen. By the 5th posture, a posture that I struggle with, but greatly enjoy (standing bow pulling pose, pictured below- again, this is the ultimate goal, I am not even close to this), I was so nauseous and dizzy that I felt like I was going to be sick all over my mat. I took it easy for the entire class, sitting out of a few postures and not pushing myself very hard at all. It was awful. I think it was the sushi I ate for lunch. One of the guys at work, Jeff, knows that I love sushi (yea, hypocrite vegetarian that still eats sushi- I know) so he always brings me his leftovers from his big client meetings at Hanabi. He brought 2 huge boxes back for me yesterday. I didnt know what half of it was (which is sometimes best when it comes to sushi) but ate my fill and enjoyed every bite. Probably not the best idea. I noticed after class that I had a huge red, raised, bumpy rash on my right leg. I have a feeling it was a reaction to some of the sushi I ate, which would also explain the nausea. Oh well, lesson learned, no mystery sushi for me anymore. I went home, showered, at a piece of toast, and went to bed. I am feeling a little bit better today, and the rash is finally gone. I am glad yesterday is over. I am ready for today to be a bit better, and less stomach-turning.

(Random thought from a new student in class- he struggled in his first class on Monday, but still came back for his 2nd session yesterda: "95% of life is just showing up." Something to think about...)

15 in/ 15 out- Half way there....

"Wherever you are is a good place to be."

Sandra said this during one of the final postures last night. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It applies to Bikram, yes, but also to life in general. It has been like a song stuck in my head for the past 12 hours- I can't get it out.

First, Bikram. I am so happy with where I am at. I have moved past comparing myself to others and being upset by their perfection. I am doing well, making progress, and enjoying it. I am in a good place.

So now the deeper interpretation... Life. I always try to make the most of my environment. However, the past 2 years have been tough. For reasons I am sure you can understand, Nashville has been a bit of a test for me. I have stuck it out, due to some inner strength that I cant really seem to locate. There have been times when I have literally had my bags packed and my car in drive, but something has told me to stay, to push through the hard times, and to not let this city get the best of me. I have stuck it out, and I cant help but think this was all meant to be. I was meant to be tested, meant to stay here, and meant to find Bikram. Maybe if I had moved somewhere else, I wouldnt have found Bikram; if I had, maybe it wouldnt have been the same experience. I always try to believe that everything happens for a reason, even the things that seem to completely break your soul at the time (and linger for 2 years). So back to the main theme here- wherever you are is a good place to be. Maybe Nashville isn't 100% bad after all. I will have this experience to take with me. Also- sometimes I get very sad because my friends and family are not with me physically. So I often think "wherever my friends and family are is a good place to be." But, my friends and family are always in my heart and with me, even if they are in South Africa, Chicago, SC, NY, NJ, or roaming around Europe. So wherever I am, they are still with me, and therefore, it is a good place to be.

Wow, hello disclosure. Sorry about that.

Class went well last night. I really enjoy bow pose:

PLEASE NOTE that this is the ultimate goal of this posture. I am not even close to this level flexibility. I am more of a bowl, and less of a bow! I really enjoy it though. It is challenging, but feels so good. The release after holding the pose is tremendous, and I love the feeling that surges through my body. I always come out of it with a smile.

14 in/ 16 out

I mentioned before, about a month ago, how appropriate it seems to me that I am doing this challenge during the spring. The explosion of “new life” during this time of the year is a thought that enters my mind at least once a day. I just thought I would bring that up again. Spring: New beginnings. New feelings. New colors. New breezes. New smiles. I love the spring time.

This mornings’ class was phenomenal. I felt fantastic through the full 90 minutes, and I felt comfortable with my postures. Sandra doesn’t praise us very much- she keeps a very calm and professional demeanor during class. However, I was blown away by her comment to me today. It was right after our second camel (pictured in yesterdays post). We were in savasana and she said, “Amy, beautiful camel, just beautiful. You are making such tremendous progress. Fantastic.” I was speechless! I am true behaviorist (obviously, from my background in ABA), and I feel that positive reinforcement is the best motivation one can offer. I smiled so big that my face hurt. Thank you, Sandra!

As this is almost the half way point in my journey, I thought I would share some positive changes I have seen over the past 2 weeks, both in and out of the bikram studio.

1) The heat doesn’t bother me as much. I don’t drown in my own sweat, and I don’t seem to even feel the temperature anymore. It is almost comforting.
2) I don’t have to take as frequent water breaks and rests.
3) My skin looks amazing. I have battled with acne my whole life, and not once have I been this confident in my skin. It is clear, radiant, glowing, and soft. I get the occasional zit here and there, but nothing compared to what I have had in the past. And the thing that makes me happiest about this is that I did it without the use of harsh chemicals or expensive 4-step treatments.
4) I am full of life. Granted, I am a bit sluggish to get out from under the warm, cozy covers in the morning, but throughout the day I am full of energy. I used to yawn and be sleepy a large portion of the day. Now I feel invigorated and energized all day. And that says a lot considering I gave up caffeine about 3 months ago!
5) I am happy. I am at peace. I am well.
6) My body can feel that it is healing. As I keep saying- I am not sore. I am not in pain. But I do feel a change taking place in my body. I am feeling toned, clean, and healthy.
7) I sleep better. I used to toss and turn, taking at least 20 minutes to fall into a restless sleep. Lately, I am getting amazing sleep. The kind of sleep where you wake up feeling rejuvenated and ready, with a smile on your face.
8) My digestive tract is happy. I will spare the details—lets just say all is well in the bathroom.
9) I don’t know I my body is changing at all (as far as weight loss, becoming more physically fit) but I can look at myself in the mirror and not be completely disgusted. I am happy with what I see. Always room for improvement, but I am content.
10) My hips feel amazing. If you know me, you know my hips are terrible. I used to feel pain after walking even just ½ a mile. (I would make jokes that I will need hip replacements by the time I am 30.) They still ache and pop from time to time, but nothing close to what they used to. I am very, very happy about this.
11) I don’t crave bad food anymore. I heard several people talk about this benefit and I thought, “Yea, right, yoga cant make you eat better- you may choose to, but it wont actually make you change your eating habits! Ha!” But low and behold (where does that saying come from???), I unconsciously am eating healthier. I am not craving bad food. I am savoring, craving, and enjoying fruits and vegetables. (Well, I always enjoy fruits and vegetables, but I have been more so this past week or so.) I see a plate of fries or unhealthy snacks and I have no desire to indulge.
12) My breathing is spectacular. During class, I am able to breath calm, slow, deep breathes through my nose during the entire class. No more gasping for air, no more straining and holding my breath to hold postures, no more wanting to pass out during savasana. My breathing was a huge challenge I mentioned my first day, and I already see tremendous improvement.
13) I don’t feel the need to push beyond my limits just to “say I did.” I am comfortable with my abilities. I don’t grunt, push too hard, or feel I have to get to a certain point in my postures. I push myself just enough, but am happy with where I am and the slow progress I am making.

There are, of course, areas I still do hope to improve on. Not just progressing further into postures, but other aspects of my practice.

1) I have a tendency to puff my stomach out during postures rather than pull it in an tighten the ab muscles. I somehow have grown to correlate strengthening the ab muscules and holding my breath. Every time I try to tuck my stomach in, I find myself not breathing. Though my breathing has improved enormously, my ability to tuck my stomach in is falling stagnant. This is something I really have to focus on and improve.
2) I still find myself looking at others from time to time during class. I don’t know why. This is about me, not them.

So all in all, as you can tell, Bikram has done tremendous things in my life in only 14 days. I am happy with where I am, and I am happy with my life. I am at the park right now, sitting in the sunshine, enjoying the breeze. I forgot how it felt to be truly happy. I missed it.

Today during our final relaxing restorative savasana, I thought to myself, “Why am I only doing this for 30 days?” I am thinking of turning this into a 60 day challenge… we shall see…

****************************

I wrote this entry at the park, as I mentioned earlier. Since there is on internet there, I just saved it to enter when I did get somewhere with internet. I layed on my blanket (having to periodically shimmy to the left to stay under the shade of a tree and avoid the blazing sun- this Irish skin cant take too much sunshine!) and read for about an hour. As I was walking home, I didn’t walk on the path. Instead, I walked through the grass, choosing the route that would let me encounter the most white dandelions, which I would then kick and watch the white seeds dance in the breeze. I felt like I was 5 years old. Just thought I would share that with you, and encourage you to go find some dandelions to kick today.

12 and 13 in/ 18 and 17 out

The world is beautiful. People (well, most of them) are beautiful. Life is beautiful.

Today was beautiful.

I woke up nice and early and went to the 8:30 session. I felt amazing. I did very well and felt happy with my effort and control. My focus wandered a bit, but for the most part I was able to direct my mind towards my postures. I left feeling amazing, happy, healthy, and proud.

I spent some time with Brandon, which I greatly miss these days. I ate some lunch. I took a nap. I went to Target.



3:00 rolled around and it was time to head back for another class. I was surprisingly excited to get back into the 108 degree, 50% humidity room. I was excited to see where I could push myself to this time. And I was excited to continue to feel my soul so full and proud. This class, once again, brought me tremendous joy. I tried so hard, and I am beginning to see slight progress. That is all I can ask for. I am finally coming to terms with the fact that my body will only do what it is capable of, and change takes time. I will not see results over night. I may not even see outstanding results after the full 30 days. But what I will see is a change within me. While my physical appearance and abilities may only improve slightly, my heart and soul are changing. I was feeling so empty before I began this challenge- that was part of the reason I even decided to embark on this adventure. I didn’t know what was missing, but I knew something was out of place. Today, I began to feel that emptiness subside. I began to feel a tremendous inner peace. It was truly beautiful. It happened during camel (pictured above). All of a sudden, this overwhelming sense of pride and fulfillment washed over my body like a warm breeze (and to say that when you are in a room this hot must truly be something intense and magical). This is the feeling I have been searching for. I want to hold on to it and never let it go.

After class, I enjoyed a nice ride home, during which I talked on the phone with my Grandma. We talked about the weather, plants, and oatmeal. Such simple pleasures in life. I showered, and gathered my things to head out to the coffee shop- I wanted to make the most of the beautiful sunshine and my full spirit. The park was full of happy families, laughing children, proud fathers with their grills raging hot, couples falling in love, and a man in a hammock. My, my, my, what a beautiful world. (Name that song!)


So here I sit, at the Frothy Monkey, eating a peanut butter cookie, enjoying the slight sparkle of sweat on my forehead from the walk over, and feeling… full. Not the kind of full you feel after a Thanksgiving dinner with your family (and yes, vegetarians still get that oh-my-god-I-will-never-eat-again full feeling at Thanksgiving, too). The kind of full feeling that hits you at the most random times. When you hear a song lyric that says what you’ve been trying to put into words for weeks. When you see the first daffodil bloom in spring. When you go home to visit your family and you wake up to the smell of mom cooking. When you open a new book, get that first whiff of new-book-smell, and you know it is going to be an instant favorite. THAT is the kind of fullness I am talking about. That is what I was hoping to gain from Bikram. I was flustered that it took so long, and I think that is where some of my negativity the past few days has come from. But I have found it. I know it won’t stick around all the time. I know it will come and go. But I also know it is there. And I have found it. And I will remember this feeling forever.

11 in/ 19 out

Wow, these 30 days are flying by!

Yesterday was wonderful. I felt good, both physically and mentally. I pushed myself, and I actually, for the first time, saw a bit of progress. I did really well in triangle pose (above). This looks like such a simple posture, but it is actually very challenging. I enjoy this pose, but I often struggle with it. My challenge is in getting my exposed, straight side perfectly straight. I often have a bit of a hinge at the hip. I did well with it yesterday, and came up from it with a smile.

Speaking of smiling, this may sound strange, but I smiled through most of the class yesterday. Especially when I... drum roll please.... finally got to lay down on my shoulders in fixed firm!!!! I have usually been only capable of leaning back to my elbows (if that), but I was feeling extremely capable yesterday, so I gave it a try, and I did it! I couldn't stop smiling. I am so proud of myself.

Something else that I did that I am extremely proud of is not comparing myself to others. Not once did I glance at anyone else. Not once did I catch a view of someone else being perfect. Not once did I compare myself. I focused 100% on myself. I was in the zone. I loved it. I just felt so good! I cant get over it! It may not sound that exciting to others, but this is a huge accomplishment for me.

On a side note: Brandon is wonderful. He has been so supportive of me during the past 2 weeks. I couldn't ask for more. I know this isn't his cup of tea- he doesn't really buy the whole yoga thing. But the fact that he is supportive of me despite his own beliefs is such a wonderful feeling. I cannot thank him enough. All of my friends, for that matter, have been fantastic- offering comments, ideas, praise, and support. I thank you ALL for your input and comments... and for even being interested!

10 in/ 20 out

So far, most battles have been mental. This past class was a bit more physical- kinda. I was extremely nauseous and dizzy. It didn't start until we got to tree pose, and it didn't let up for the rest of the class. Every time I stood up or sat up from savasana, my head would spin and I would feel sick to my stomach. I sat out 1 or 2 sets because I simply couldn't move without feeling like I would pass out or throw up. I also felt very numb- almost exactly the sensation as when I get tremors (when I am nervous, yea, I go numb and get tremors, bet you didn't know that about me...). My face around my mouth, pinkies, feet, and thighs go completely tingly numb, and my thighs shake. I have never had this happen in any situation other than being extremely nervous- until this session. And the weird thing is that I wasn't nervous at all- I have no idea why this happened at that moment. It was so extremely strange. I wasn't in a bad mental state (shocking, after the day I had) and I wasn't feeling negative at all. I actually did quite well in my postures (well, the ones I was able to attempt). I don't know what it was. It may have been something I ate during the day, or maybe since it is "that time" (sorry, tmi?)... also, it was REALLY hot in there. Usually it is around 104 or 105 degrees, but when we left the room, the thermometer showed 108 (and this was after the door had been opened several times for people to leave- it was probably up to at least 110 during the bulk of the session)... Not cool (no pun intended).

We had a new teacher for this session, and I wasn't very impressed with her. Not just because she allowed it to get to such an extreme temperature, but also her teaching technique wasn't very good. She was extremely monotone. She had no life or excitement in her voice. She was not motivating or reinforcing at all. She sounded like a recording. She stood completely still on the teacher platform and didn't move once. I prefer a teacher that is more involved and more passionate about the practice.

This is rabbit pose. I don't really get it. I mean, I understand the purpose of it, but it hurts my neck slightly. I think I am doing it wrong. I think I don't pull on my ankles enough. I don't know.

9 in/ 21 out

I went into this class with pure, 100%, excitement and positivity. I guess intentions only get you so far. Very emotional class. I don't want to blame it on hormones (if you catch my drift) because I think that is a pathetic excuse, but I was a mental basket case during class today. A complete roller coaster of emotions. One minute I was feeling strong and powerful, the next defeated and broken.


Lets start with a positive: I am doing very well with balancing stick pose (below). I always feel so empowered and proud when I knock this posture out of the park. I love it.

Now on to the... not so positive...

Fixed firm got the best of me today. I don't think it was the actual posture that upset me. It was looking at the person next to me and seeing the perfection. Seeing the ease. Seeing the simplicity. Seeing the ribs. Seeing the calm breath. Seeing everything I was missing. I layed (lyed? lied? lay? wtf I hate that word) down and started crying. Why? Am I that big of a wimp? Whatever, judge me, I don't care. I cried. I cried like a baby. I sat out during the second set and cried. I don't know where I got the strength, but I somehow made it through the rest of class (tear free) and managed to give at least moderate effort in the remaining few poses. I am caught in a tough place here. I know I have only been doing this for just over a week, so the progress isn't going to be paramount. It takes people years to perfect these postures. Years. On the flip side, I see tremendous progress in others from day to day and I cant help but be jealous of that accelerated progress. It comes so easily to others. I want that. I want to be good at this.

Last night brought a whole other set of emotional issues with my life (I will spare you the details), and I barely slept. My mind is a mess. Racing. Flustered. Today was the first morning I woke up and didn't WANT to go to Bikram this evening. I don't like this feeling.

When you have a bad day, people will always say "It's OK, you're allowed to have a bad day" or "Not every day can be perfect"... Why? Why can't every day be perfect? Don't give me an answer about brain chemistry and hormones. I am talking attitude. Why can't every day be perfect?

On a completely different (or completely related) note- I finally started reading Eat, Pray, Love while I was unable to sleep last night. It frightens me how much I am like Liz.

8 in/ 22 out

MAJOR breakthrough today.

But first, just a little bit about postures and such. I don't know if it was because I was sweating more or what the deal was, but I was so sweaty and therefore soooo slippery. I kept slipping out of postures (tree, toe standing, etc) because I was so wet! How gross is that? Also, classes are beginning to FLY by for me. Before I realize it, we are on our last posture, moving in to our last breathing exercise, and it is over! I am used to the flow of class now and I know what posture to anticipate next, so I am sure that's why the 90 minutes seem to fly by. So, my breakthrough. 100% mental, not physical...

I HAVE NO ENEMIES.

Let me explain. I got to class a bit early so I just went and layed in savasana (restorative, relaxation laying pose) and tried to clear my mind from the busy busy day I had. I started to go through postures in my head and mentally prepare myself for class. I got to standing head to knee pose, and immediately thought "ugh, I hate that one, my enemy, I can't do it!" The same thought came to mind as I got to locust and head to knee pose with stretching (pictured above).

As I was doing standing head to knee and locust, that thought was going through my mind- "my enemy, this is so hard, it hurts, I can't do it, my enemy." When I got to head to knee pose with stretching, my mind won. I sat out. I told myself I couldn't do it, and I didn't. I couldn't. As I sat there not participating in set 1 of the posture, I wanted to cry. I let my mind get the best of me. I was over taken with negativity and thoughts of failure. Then it hit me- I have no enemies. None of these postures are completely beyond my capability. I may not do them well, and I may never do them well, but that does not mean they are my enemy. Going in with this mindset is admitting defeat before I even give it a try. Calling them my enemies is only setting myself up for failure. They are not my enemies- I am MAKING them my enemies. So I took a few deep breaths, and joined in the second set. I spent the last 15 minutes of class thinking about this....

I don't enjoy feelings of hate. I don't often say hate (in a serious way...); I sometimes say it joking, but I rarely actually feel pure hatred towards anyone or anything. I don't like these negative feelings. I don't want to be surrounded by that negative energy, and I certainly do not want to send that negative energy to others. I don't want enemies. I don't really see myself having any, now that I think about it. There have been people in my life that have hurt me, upset me, or made me really mad, but honestly, I don't have any enemies. I may make them my enemy out of overwhelming feelings I may have, but there is not enough room in me for these emotions. I have always been proud of myself for not holding grudges. I need to apply this to yoga as well.

This may not make any sense to anyone else, and I am probably doing a terrible job of explaining what I am feeling, but I hope I am getting the bigger picture across. Life is too beautiful to have enemies. I am capable. I am strong. I am happy. Why surround myself with negativity? I can. And I will.

7 in/ 23 out

Yesterday marked the first full completed week! I went in with the mindset that it was going to be a wonderful session, and it was. I felt great. I was focused, strong, and I challenged myself. I can tell I pushed myself a bit harder yesterday- my body is exhausted. Again, not in pain, just... healing.
I dont like locust. It hurts my arms, I dont like having my face mushed into the towel, and I simply cannot do it. Sandra always says to move my weight into my shoulders, but I dont know how to do this. I can barely get my legs an inch off the ground. I can do each leg seperately during the "warm up" to this full posture, but once I have to extend both legs, my body doesnt agree. It doesnt hurt, I just cant do it. Any tips or pointers on promoting movement and extension in this posture, I am open to suggestions.

Double day: 5 in/ 25 out AND 6 in/ 24 out!

Breathe-Form-Depth.

We had a guest instructor today because Sandra is out of town for the Easter holiday weekend. He is from Jacksonville, FL, and I really enjoyed his sessions. He has a very calm, soothing, deep voice, and he was extremely motivating. He walked around the room (whereas Sandra usually stays on her platform) which at times made me a bit distracted, but it made me feel much more connected with him. I enjoyed having a different instructor and mixing it up a bit- I look forward to another session with him tomorrow.

He kept saying: Breath, Form, Depth- first comes your breathing, then the form of the posture, then pushing yourself deeper. This guide helped me tremendously, as I have mentioned my struggle with breathing correctly. Also, sometimes I strive to push myself so hard that I begin to lose form. In Bikram, form is essential. I will carry this idea with me.

Nothing was outstanding today, but nothing was awful. I am feeling much more comfortable with the heat. I vary in my abilities from day to day. Some days I am spot on in a posture, and then the next I am falling out of it. I must begin to focus a bit more. I get so distracted during my sessions- my mind is always off somewhere else. I need to bring my mind to the present and focus on my breathing and the postures- the rest of life can wait for 90 minutes.

Fixed firm is no longer my nemesis. Yes, I still struggle with it, but I am seeing just the slightest improvement, and I know I am capable of getting to a comfortable place with this posture. My new enemy: Standing Head To Knee

In order to set up this pose correctly, you MUST lock your standing leg. I cant even do this! It hurts my hamstrings so much to even lock my knee that I can barely even begin the posture. I never kick out, I simply stand on my trunk leg and hold my other leg up the air, as pictured below- struggling to balance and keep my leg straight and knee locked.

I am completely exhausted now. 180 minutes of heat and pushing my body as far as it will go. Time to relax. Tomorrow will mark 1 week in. I know I have already come so far and my technique has improved tremendously, but I still have so far to go....

Autism

April 2nd is World Autism Awareness Day.

I have had the pleasure of working in the field of Autism since 2004, and I wouldnt change my career path for the world. I have worked with so many amazing, beautiful, unique families over the past 6 years. The dedication of the parents fills my heart with joy. Each of these children holds a special place in my heart and I will forever cherish my times with them- even the moments that may have been stressful, painful, or heartbreaking. They are all so special and I adore each and every one of them. Not a day goes by that I dont thank my lucky stars that I have been sent on this path to helping these families. I want to thank these families for allowing me to share in their journey. I love and miss you all!

4 in/ 26 out

I. Am. Tired. Getting out of bed this morning after my 4th day of Bikram last night was nearly impossible. Not only did my allergies decide that this was the morning they would start acting up (sneezing, stuffy nose, itchy eyes, bleh), but my body was so tired I couldnt even reach over to turn off the alarm. I am not hurting. I do not feel bad. I am just... tired. My mind. My body. Everything. Tired. I am not upset with feeling this way- it actually makes me happy. I know the Bikram is testing my body and actually doing something. If I didnt feel any physical changes, I would be concerned that I am not pushing myself enough.

As far as the session last night- yuck. It was not good. I was really tired. I was starving, so my stomach kept growling and I would get dizzy very easily. Also, there was this guy that was fantastic standing right in front of me, so every time I looked into the mirror, all I saw was his perfect posture. I wasn't necessarily comparing myself or jealous, it was just very distracting to see him being able to complete each posture with such ease. I think if he had been beside me and not in my constant direct line of vision, it would have been more of a motivation and less of a distraction. It was excessively hot in the studio also. I mean, yes, it is supposed to be hot, but yesterday the heat really got to me. There was a large group there yesterday which probably contributed to the heat- Sandra kept having to adjust the humidifier and open the studio doors to let fresh cool air in. Also, I was an idiot and knocked over my water bottle with about 15 minutes left in the class. Sweet.

As bad as day 4 was, I am not discouraged. Not ever day can be perfect. It is days like these when I appreciate what I am capable of, and look forward to better days.

The posture above, toe stand pose, was one of my happy moments during this session. I can usually get in to it OK (with my hands on the ground, I cannot yet lift my hands to my heart center), but when I attempt to get up from it- which you are meant to do in a very specific way- I usually fall over. But yesterday, I managed to get out of it correctly. It was a bit... UNgraceful, but I did it, nonetheless. Also, I was able to lay back on my elbows in fixed firm- Sandra's adjustments on Day 3 really helped. Slowly getting there!

I have today off. The studio I am going to does not have an evening Friday session and I have to work until 5. So I get today off. I am both sad and happy about this. I am sad because I have ultimately really been enjoying this challenge and looking forward to these 90 minutes of each day. But I am happy because I am looking forward to an evening of relaxing and getting a ton of rest. However, to make up for missing Friday, I am going to TWO classes tomorrow: 8:30am and 3:30pm. THAT should be interesting... wish me luck!

3 in/ 27 out

Bengal tiger strength!!!!

Yesterday was amazing. Absolutely amazing. I had such a wonderful class, and I am still smiling about it. I went in with a positive attitude and determination to push myself as hard as I could. I did very well on each posture- even the ones that usuall give me trouble. I was able to do a full tree on the second set!

I am so proud of how I allowed my mind to take over and push away those negative thoughts that were filling me with doubt yesterday.

Also, Sandra noticed my struggle with the fixed firm posture (the one I mentioned and pictured yesterday- my nemesis!), and she took a moment to help me- she is always very reinforcing and positive, and only offers minimal advice, so I was so thankful she took the moment to advise me. She even said "You WILL get that after these 30 days, Amy!" I was so grateful for her help!

I am feeling amazing today. Again, my body feels a bit fatigued, but my heart is feeling full and alive. I am in love with Bikram, and it has only been 3 days.